The Longer Ones

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Left behind

An ode to those we left. To those we choose to forget. To those who hurt us. And to those we never forgave.

Wow I just started and I'm already being too meta

What do we do to those people? (Notice I'm already distancing myself with that statement)
Do we forget about them? Casually say hi? Try to bring them back up in our lives? Just nod?

I'm talking about this because a few hours ago I was walking at a mall and nodded at an old friend and then continued to walk on my merry way. The last time we talked, he seemed kinda depressed. He dropped out of community college, academics suck, and he preferred to stay working at a local shoe place. We kept talking and I mentioned how I want to do accounting and etc.

It's strange that the people we spent our last four years with somehow became another stranger. We don't talk, when we do it's awkward, and looking back I don't even have his number or know his last name... At this point it's fair to say that he means little to nothing to me and I'm moving on with my life. I left him behind.

Is that bad? I understand that we should try to help them out or still be friends but at the same time my life still goes on... And it's not like I can change them. If they want to get better they have to put in the effort too. Soooo I guess it might be good to leave some people behind?

I do feel bad for not helping him out as much. In high school we both took the nerdy classes. And it was hard but we both got it down. Somehow though it didn't end up the same. Not even close. And it's not my fault! That's just how life works. Of course there are others who may not even try or want to try. There are also a few who selfishly spend everything they have on only themselves.. But then again... who am I to judge? I'm not Jesus. I shouldn't be the one to decide their worth, or the value of their actions. But what if my friends right now are like that too... that my year old friendship will always be just a friend that I had for a year. Or that one girl I met in BYU is nothing more than that one girl that I met in BYU. Isn't it a bit sad that that might be all there is in that friendship?

Let's take it a bit deeper.What if the one being left behind is me. Yeah I'll go to the Philippines for two years, but time doesn't stop for me. And it certainly won't stop for the people around me. Yeah I'll leave, and life will go on. I do feel like it's the right decision for me to go, but I couldn't help feeling afraid. Not of the mission, but afraid of how people will see me when I get back. I don't want to feel like I was left behind... In that two years even though it wasn't purely academic, I still learned. I still grew. And I promise I became a better person because of it. I guess I'm just afraid that it still won't be enough to feel satisfied. And that's not even all of it.

I'm afraid that when I get home I'll be like every other RM. That I'll look like every other indistinguishable black and white tile on Jesus and Satan's backgammon game. That I'll be another weird, uber-spiritual, unable-to-talk-about-anything-else, always-trying-to-flirt-to-convert, let's-get-married-by-spring, Returned Missionary. And I don't want that... I wanna be me. I'm just afraid that maybe somewhere along the way I'll forget what that means...

1 comment:

  1. I think it's ok to not be satisfied with yourself after your mission. Like you said, time goes on, life goes on. It's not like life is going to stop after your mission. You'll constantly be faced with new challenges that'll conflict with whatever perspective you have on life after your mission and that's ok. That's a part of life. There's always something to learn from. And the thing about losing yourself after your mission or being lost (that's how I interpret it), well to me, no matter how lost you are, you'll eventually find your way back. You'll be ok :)