Thoughts

 I've been meaning to write for a while now. I know it's been years since I put something down that was actually meaningful, that actually sounds like me talking, that actually sounds like it wasn't a repetition of what other people wanted to hear.

I guess I just didn't know where to start writing. I guess for a while, I chose to forget about this part of myself and I got scared. I got scared that I won't recognize who I am now. I'm scared that if who I was saw who I am now, I'm scared that he would be disappointed. I'm scared that I made a big mistake. I'm scared of something that happened a couple months ago.

I had some thoughts. Some bad thoughts. Some really really dark thoughts and I couldn't run away.

They're gone now of course, but they were terrifying. I've never felt so trapped and alone and sad like that before and I just hope it doesn't come back.

I hope that writing again will make sure those thoughts won't come back.

Rest

 When I was a junior in high school, I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother, where one of the main characters Marshall was asking Ranjit when he gets time to rest. Ranjit tells him that when Marshall got married, it's Lily's turn to rest (Marshall's wife). He proceeds to tell him that when they get a baby, it's the baby's turn to rest. And the joke comes when Marshall asks Ranjit when is it his turn to rest, and Ranjit tells him never.

When I was 16 years old, listening to that joke, I laughed and didn't think more of it. Now that I remember it though, it wasn't as funny as I thought. At work, at school, and wherever you go, there's an expectation that you'd do at least the minimum necessary so your job functions and keeps going. And then you come home and hopefully, rest. Ever since I've been married I realized that there's a minimum amount of work necessary you need to do in the home to basically stay married, and if it's left incomplete, then you're gonna have a long week.

This principle is fairly easy to understand but its application is tricky when confronted with legitimate time-consuming work. After you finish a project or long exam, you'd expect to relax, but that minimum requirement in the home does not disappear. It has to be done and it will haunt you if you don't.

And I guess, this week I was just too tired. I tried to rest, and I got called out.

I need to evolve or find another place to rest. 

Maybe in my commute, I can find rest as my thoughts wander

Maybe in the shower, I'll just sit in the tub for a minute and take a deep breath

Maybe in the closet, I can take an extra minute to just not think

Maybe at work, I can schedule a 15-minute zoom call with myself to sleep

Whatever. I'll figure it out. Basta when I'm home, I can't rest yet.