The Longer Ones

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

I'm an adult

 I thought I was ready. I really thought I did, but I didn't expect things to be this hard.

I feel like everyone around me is in tune with some innate truth that makes them comfortable. I feel like they're all mature and ready to take on the world and I'm still me. When I was little I used to think people are like Pokemon. 

After gaining some experience, they go through hard events and battles and adventures and come out evolving into (hopefully) better versions of themselves. And all around me I feel like that's true with everyone else. So why does it feel like it's not happening with me?

Who suddenly taught everyone about taxes, and credit cards, and sanitizing wooden spoons. Or manners in speaking, learning how to listen and not speak, and finding just the right words. How did everyone else get there?

Was it because of a mission? was it because of a degree? maybe because they're not scared of debt and mortgages? was it when they got married? when they got kids? How did they get there? 

.

.

.

God when will I get there? 

I just hope I don't die before I get there. Maybe I'm not there because I didn't work hard enough. Or maybe it's because I'm scared about my feelings. Or maybe I'm just not worthy of it? I guess I have a lot more to learn.

Sunday, March 26, 2023

Thoughts

 I've been meaning to write for a while now. I know it's been years since I put something down that was actually meaningful, that actually sounds like me talking, that actually sounds like it wasn't a repetition of what other people wanted to hear.

I guess I just didn't know where to start writing. I guess for a while, I chose to forget about this part of myself and I got scared. I got scared that I won't recognize who I am now. I'm scared that if who I was saw who I am now, I'm scared that he would be disappointed. I'm scared that I made a big mistake. I'm scared of something that happened a couple months ago.

I had some thoughts. Some bad thoughts. Some really really dark thoughts and I couldn't run away.

They're gone now of course, but they were terrifying. I've never felt so trapped and alone and sad like that before and I just hope it doesn't come back.

I hope that writing again will make sure those thoughts won't come back.

Rest

 When I was a junior in high school, I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother, where one of the main characters Marshall was asking Ranjit when he gets time to rest. Ranjit tells him that when Marshall got married, it's Lily's turn to rest (Marshall's wife). He proceeds to tell him that when they get a baby, it's the baby's turn to rest. And the joke comes when Marshall asks Ranjit when is it his turn to rest, and Ranjit tells him never.

When I was 16 years old, listening to that joke, I laughed and didn't think more of it. Now that I remember it though, it wasn't as funny as I thought. At work, at school, and wherever you go, there's an expectation that you'd do at least the minimum necessary so your job functions and keeps going. And then you come home and hopefully, rest. Ever since I've been married I realized that there's a minimum amount of work necessary you need to do in the home to basically stay married, and if it's left incomplete, then you're gonna have a long week.

This principle is fairly easy to understand but its application is tricky when confronted with legitimate time-consuming work. After you finish a project or long exam, you'd expect to relax, but that minimum requirement in the home does not disappear. It has to be done and it will haunt you if you don't.

And I guess, this week I was just too tired. I tried to rest, and I got called out.

I need to evolve or find another place to rest. 

Maybe in my commute, I can find rest as my thoughts wander

Maybe in the shower, I'll just sit in the tub for a minute and take a deep breath

Maybe in the closet, I can take an extra minute to just not think

Maybe at work, I can schedule a 15-minute zoom call with myself to sleep

Whatever. I'll figure it out. Basta when I'm home, I can't rest yet.

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

A year later

 Hi,

So it's been a year. A lot of things have changed but also not at all. I'd like to think of myself as the same curious kid, though my curiosity did lead me to learn compared to last year. Hmmmm... let's do some big events first, for context.

-I'm engaged and planning to get married this December 18th

-I got an internship offer so I know what I'll do next summer

-I've been home for almost 18 months now

-I'm a junior in the Accounting program for BYU

(in order of importance)


The way that I think is a bit different now. One important thing that I learned was from being in a relationship actually. Loving someone by not acting or doing anything. I feel many times in my life I have the innate compulsion of wanting to fix the problem in front of me. Especially whenever people present problems they're having in their life, my immediate response is okay let's make a plan, What's your goal, and let's create a timeline for you to be successful and to conquer this problem. But most people don't want that though. To be honest, I feel like everyone already knows what they need to do, they just need to come to that realization on their own. That if I was the one who introduces it then it would be rejected since I may be a stranger to them. Well... even to family though... even if I recommend something they have their own agency and I can't bring others to come to my beliefs, regardless of how hard I try. Even if it hurts sometimes... I think the best way to love someone is at times to let them fall. 

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Headphones

So headphones. A few years ago, Airpods came out and I thought they were stupid. I came home, my parents gave me one (because because) and I ended up loving them!!

To an extent.

So most people use headphones to like detract themselves from society and, you know, mind their own business listening to whatever their bops are. And I have nothing against bops or jams. But for me, I use headphones as a way to be invisible. 

Whenever you see someone with headphones on, unless you know them, you don't bother talking to them and often even ignore them because you assume they don't care. Fair assumption? So sometimes I use my Airpods/headphones to not just listen to music, but I turn off my music and just listen to whatever's going on around me. And because I have my headphones on, no one pays any attention to me, and if I do I take off one headphone and say 

"Sorry, what was that?"

Not too often, of course, cuz that's creepy... and sorta like eavesdropping. (It's exactly like eavesdropping). Sorry, not sorry? Almost always I'd rather listen to my music anyway. But there were times in my life when this came in handy. 

At the airport heading home. 

When I was at the airport I wanted to talk to someone but no one wanted to because usually, richer people are shyer and less likely to talk to me. I actually tried talking to someone and well it didn't pan out... So I put on my headphones and listened to EFY songs for a while. When I did this I kept looking into myself. I was dwelling on my fears and my worries. I decided to turn off the music. Look for silence and listen to what the spirit is telling me to do. And here's what I heard

Child 1: Mom, can we come back? I wanna see my friends again. Do you think I'll see them again?

Adult 1: Yeah my husband was furloughed because apparently, they didn't need him anymore

Adult 2: what do you mean borders are closed? what about my family?

Adult 3: Anak (Child) Shhh!! don't cough, they'll hear you

Child 2: is there any water? Dad, I need to pee! 

Adult 4: -Divorced a while back. But I didn't find anyone here either.

I turned my hymns back on. And suddenly, I don't feel like my problems are all that daunting. I mean I know my life isn't the best one, I know it's not put together in the right way sometimes, but I think at that time the spirit was telling me that I'm not the only one dealing with crap. Everyone around me is going through something, and though it's clear a lot of them don't want to talk about, that doesn't mean it's not there. I turned on my music and felt pain. Not for myself but for them. I don't even know them. But I hope all is well.