I'm Tired

I think right now I'm just tired.

Not physically (though I have been awake for a long while now), but rather mentally or emotionally. It hurts to think about sometimes but right now I'm truly excited for rest.

Unlike high school, there is no Christmas homework or anything like that. For once when someone mentions "winter break," it truly is a break.

There's nothing to study for or to stress about only me. And as peaceful as that may be it's also frightening to imagine. Mental rest would be great for development or growth probably but mental stimulation is my defense from the absurd.

As much as I disliked stress, it is this same environment that has allowed me to grow and become who I am (a nerd). Without that stress, I am lacking meaning. I need to continually learn, and though this rest is much appreciated I hope and pray I'll find something to do rather than let myself lie idle with the world around me.

I guess in the end, it's a good kind of tired. It's worth it.

Home

I'm almost there.

I'm staying up all night for this (because I can't wake up early). It's so exciting. As early as it is, I am very much awake and I'm ready to go home.

I missed my parents and my home. It'll be strange though because for once in my life, I will be a visitor in my own home. It's a strange thought but I know I'll still be welcomed there regardless of my title.

I missed them a lot. But I'm almost there. I'm almost home.

Where I wanted to go.

So finals passed

LIKE A KIDNEY STONE!!! Well technically t'was two days ago.

I took two-three finals per day and I got through it all. In fairness it wasn't bad at all. AP testing was more stressful than this.

If finals was a movie, I would rate it 4/10 because the trailers overhyped it. I don't know how I can make it more clear. Umm it was fastest and gentlest kidney stone? It was like I coughed once and it popped out. It was so quick that if Jesus suffered the pains of just finals, he would only bleed for half a millisecond then wonder "wow that was faster than I thought."

I was a bit disappointed in one of my classes but it's still unclear if he's going to establish a curve, in which case I'm fine. For now I'm just chillin' waiting to go home for a flight that seems like an eternity away.

In other news, I am hungry alone and contemplating on what I want for Christmas. So far I only came up with a game cube and a mini TV.

Yeah nevermind that's a distracting gift.

There's ads on this WHAT?!?!

Yes there are advertisements on this page.

Why? Because it helps me pay for college.
It makes it seem less empty.
I can turn it off whenever I want.

Am I selling myself?
I guess a little bit but don't we all?
To our jobs, to our ideologies, to our families, to our education, to our religion.
I think it depends on how you define selling yourself.
At the moment though I am in college and it helps.

Are they weird ads? I really hope not.
I do my best to screen them but the moment an inappropriate one comes by feel free to comment and I'll remove them all.

Other than that, I believe they're here to stay (until I'm not poor).
Also you have no idea the work it takes to actually set those up...

First of all I admire my marketing class and through it, it was simpler to set up. Secondly though some of my friends hate me for saying this, marketing is awesome. And lastly did you know you needed to be screened by Google before they allow you to have their ads?

It took a while. But it's here and I hope it works and doesn't distract you from my message (and if it does I make bank both ways soooooo cool I guess?)

Peaceful Cookies

Came home with some cookies and leftover breakfast.

I should probably be stressing since finals is tomorrow (today... 5 hours from now). But in fairness I'm just not feeling it. I studied and learned as much as I can and so far I am successful.

I am able to skip two of my finals from sheer work and now I'm eating a cookie.

It's a really peaceful cookie.

The Absurd

I was walking home when I received a text from a good friend. She told me that there was breakfast in 2AM and it was open to me if I was to wait outside in 20 degrees (Fahrenheit) weather.

This wasn't the first time I waited outside so I went along with it. While waiting a I sat under a tree alone in the dark and watched lights go off one by one. The play Waiting for Godot arose in my mind and I started to remember the story of Estragon and Vladimir. Except lonelier.

This time it was truly dark. No stars. No lights. No people. Just me. I sat and asked of the existence and actions of God. Not necessarily because I really wanted to but because it's what I do whenever my mind wanders and it's dark. I look in philosophy and find a deeper truth. I started asking about meaning and asking why?

And I decided to change the basis of my argument, to devolve to my skeptical agnostic self and ask him why? That if there was no meaning to the universe then what am I doing and why am I acting in opposition to the meaningless of the universe?

(Am I having an existential crisis... yeah probably but it's just a phase and this is my blog so let me have my moment.)

I've concluded that it's okay. That regardless of being an agnostic or even an atheist, it is important to assert meaning in opposition to the universe to be happy. That rather than sulking in nihilism, we need to imagine or experience joys in an otherwise indifferent universe to feel joy. Now that doesn't mean we should live in denial or forget about it, but it's good to still act against it. As one of my agnostic friends put it, "We live in an indifferent universe, but I choose not to be." Even with extreme repetitive dull tasks, we can find meaning and joy simply by believing otherwise. Not through denial but by believing another path that can bring joy; theism or pleasure or some other activity that brings meaning to you... etc.

Back to theism.

Heads up I do believe in a God. But I conduct thought experiments whenever I'm bored and sometimes it helps to get the full picture when I'm not in that mindset. Not to say that a theistic mindset restricts me, because this belief (like all other beliefs) in itself is its own universe of morality and greatness. But there are other ways to think. There are people who disagree with my beliefs and to keep going it is necessary for me to understand why they believe that way to strengthen my beliefs and gain better understanding and love towards others. Using relative morality, we are better able to tolerate or understand why others see their beliefs as being morally right.

Unfortunately not everyone sees it that way. I've been confronted by a few, who claim that trying to understand the 'opposition' is weakness and can lead in wavering beliefs. There might be some truth to it because in a way it is challenge to your beliefs, but then I ask isn't it worse to choose not to love and live in ignorance of others?

Sometimes I hate living in Mormonville... It's very skewed from my thoughts. I ran into this quote a while back, "God is dead and humanity killed him" -Neitzsche. Of course I don't think he's actually dead but I think we are killing his teachings. If we keep letting it be distorted by human motives and bias then the true meaning of religion wavers.

50 minutes passed. I was sitting under a tree. Still looking up at empty stars. She came out with breakfast and talked about life.

Pre-stress

You know that moment when you can feel the impending academic doom around the corner?

That is the feeling of finals week. It's not like AP Testing where you know the material more and you can use the teacher as a resource, in this case it's more difficult because you don't know the staff and you don't really have any friends to take it with.

It's lonely, weird, and I can feel the stress is within my fingertips.

2 more weeks though. After this hell, I'll be home.

I'm almost home.