The Longer Ones

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Ch 1 My Sibs

I just left my family and wow it's already been such an adventure. I was lost, on the verge of tears, then a lot of tears, then a lot of self-doubt. But soon enough a series of things came my way and picked me back up. After my first flight of being alone without a companion, I started walking aimlessly in LAX. I didn't know where I was, and my connecting gate is gate 142.... I arrived in gate 14.... 

I wanted to give up and just call my mom. Another lady even offered me to use her phone, but right when I was about to take the phone, I heard something. 


 I thought I was hearing things until it came again.

"Elder! Elder!"

I looked around and I saw them. Missionaries from Samoa and Marshall Islands saying hi to each other and hugging. Right then, I said no to the phone call, and walked towards them. I didn't even need to say hi. Right when they saw me coming, they gave me a big hug too. They went under, I went over, so they had all the power in this hug. It reminded me of my siblings, and we all laughed as I showed them a picture of my family. We talked for a while and they understood what I was going through. They had big families and missed them a lot, but they told me that, "no matter what, you'll never be alone. Even though it's easy to forget at times, Heavenly Father is there for us, and we [the missionaries] are your family." They walked me to my terminal until I found a different group of missionaries going to the Philippines. I thanked them and shook their hands before they left. 

There was another thing that brought me peace. Near the hotel, on the plane, in the airport, I heard 4 things that brought me peace. My siblings and I. I heard us. Or at least the essence of us. Wherever I went, I kept hearing them. 4 things repeated. La La Land for my lil bro. Coldplay for me. Bruno Mars for my sister. And Beyonce for my eldest sister. Yeah they may not be the purest song and I didn't listen to them directly. But hearing it around me made me feel like my family is there for me. It reminded me that they are here for me. And even though it's not directly my fam bam, y'all always find a way to give me peace. Thanks.

Let's start this new chapter

This post was written hours prior preparing for this moment.

I've been set apart. This is a strange time but basically it means that I am officially a missionary now.

What does that mean? Set apart?

Well even though I've complained about missionary life a lil bit, now because I was set apart I'm officially one. No technology other than once a week for emails and this blog. I will be able to use Skype, but only twice a year for Christmas and Mother's Day where I will call my fam bam. If you'd like to email me, look at the contact me tab and it should be there.

Are you going to change?

Well a little bit I suppose. I'm still weird and me, but I'll be more spiritual and I'll teach and preach about my religion and do more service. And that's not a bad thing, it's just different from what you might be used to.

Now that doesn't mean I abandoned my beliefs or my identity in general. It's still there, I promise. And he'll come back every now and then hahaha. But it won't be as often as my usual conversations because it won't be as "appropriate" anymore. Well let's be real, a lot of my conversations aren't appropriate anyway, but this time I do have a legitimate reason to be more mature... I'll change for two years into someone you might not recognize but someone I know I can be proud of. Yeah Asian Narwhal is still here. Somewhere there. But I'll be focusing on what God wants me to do. Not my wants or wishes, but His wants and wishes for me. Besides it's not like I'm being forced. For the first time in a really long time, I can feel that my wants and His wants for me are the same thing.

What's next?

Well at this time I should be either at the airport or on a 13-17 hour flight to Manila. Isn't that exciting?! But like always I'm also a scared butt. I'm excited and happy but also scared.

Hmmm exactly one year ago I joined a BYU group page and introduced myself... now I'll do the same thing but this time I'll make it better somehow. This time it's not for me, it's for Heavenly Father... I really hope I don't mess up or suck somehow.

But you know what?! screw the anxiety! I'm starting a new chapter. As smol as I am, I'm not that little kid with a cardboard castle anymore. I'm not casually singing, "I hope they call me on a mission, when I have grown a foot or two," because I have grown, I have been called, and I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

So let's do this. Let's start a new chapter. A new adventure. An awesome mission.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Pass the baton.

I left. This post is postmarked so even though I wrote this roughly a week ago, you'll only see it now... Right about the time I hug my family one more time. Great timing right?

Gosh... I wonder how I'll be feeling right now.


Ahhh those are some fun feelings.
But that's alright. It's all a part of the job. And I'm gonna love it, because I'm already starting to.
I do admit I'll miss my family and all of my friends, but life will go on without me and I know we all will be just fine. Besides even though I'm gone, I know someone somewhere is just about to come home (or just a few hours ago).

For instance, even though I just left, I know someone who just came home. He doesn't even know me. But I know of him. Because I know he'll have a wonderful adventure with a dear bubbly friend. A week ago, this guy emailed my friend about me. And quite frankly I'm proud of him. We are similar. Maybe in writing or in experiences or in friend taste but still very different. Even though I've never met him, I'm not going to lie, he became a goal for me to achieve. From the stories my bubbly friend told me, he redeemed himself and became a standard for other missionaries. And although I have little to no doubt now that I'll be an okay missionary, if I can be at least half the man that he is I know that I'll be able to do all that God wants me to do and so much more.

And if he's at least half the friend that I was to my bubbly friend, I know that their relationship will be nothing less than celestial.

Thank you stranger. Even though you probably don't know me, I'll always be grateful. Thanks for passing the baton.

Monday, July 24, 2017

What we know

In the last year, I've written a lot. Like a butt ton.

I did my best to write them, even though most of the time, there was barely any time at all. It's a really busy life... and to be honest, it's understandable why a lot of people don't do this at all.

It makes sense why others might not want to talk about life. Or their feelings. Or anything deep to anyone. Because it takes time and you're putting yourself out there. This isn't required. No one told me to write. I just do it. And quite frankly it's exhausting and my time could've been used to something more productive. But I value writing about it. It's a space for me to think. Too often we make the stupidest mistakes because we just forget, or we didn't think about an action enough, or maybe we're just afraid to look deeper than what's in front of us. And I get that. But at least this way, it gives me peace. I don't have any regrets anymore and it feels nice.

Or you know you could just shove it down and be on your merry way. But where's the fun in that? What's the point in having emotions if you don't take the time to just feel.

However, writing down these thoughts for the world to see presents a different problem. This is probably the third or fourth time I've written about this topic, but I do it because it keeps coming up. I have to keep the audience in mind. Yeah I typically do this for myself, but even then, every time I write I ask myself if I should follow my heart or the heart that's reading mine. Blogging for random people to read presents a different feeling of vulnerability. Because in a way, your audience understands you deeper than any other close friends.

That's not true though. That last sentence.

Reading my blog. Reading my letters. Reading my speeches. Reading my emails. Do you really think you can know a person just by doing that?

I've written so much this past year... A few weeks ago one of my friends said this quote.
"I've read your blog. I'm pretty sure I know you."
Well lemme tell you something [audience]... You think you know me? Until you meet me I promise you...

You have no idea.

Saturday, July 22, 2017


"Alexa play some Hozier"
"Hey Siri, what's the weather?"
"Guys stop looking at your phone"
"I wish I had that iPad"
"When the sun end of the world comes, that's what we'll do... We'll light up the sky with tiny glowing screens"

TECH! TECH! TECH! It's everywhere, it's our closest friend, honestly it's my best friend. You can't live your days without seeing at least one and as much as they affect our lives, they also affect the relationship of the people we care about.

Before I continue I'd like to say that I talked to an old dude about this today, so I'm pretty sure there's something good in here. He (that one old dude) made fun of me errrr my generation because he said that "y'all have the attention span of a goldfish." And I guess he's sorta right but it's not really our fault. One way to spin his quote positively is by calling ourselves "technology native." We're the first generation to grow up with technology and it causes us to adapt with new equipment. But it wasn't always good...

By being able to understand technology, we became more fast-paced. New inventions and new trends happen so fast and to fit in, we desperately tried to stay on top of all of them... And that's exhausting. No wonder our attention span is like a goldfish... More new things pop up, and to keep track we only look at them if they're entertaining to us.

I guess that's okay... It influenced us to learn about the world and trends to keep up, until... it affected us. First off with how we see ourselves. So we're only happy once we're caught up? That doesn't make sense. That's like feeling happiness only at the end of a goal. After we finish a goal, we set up another one, after we catch up to a trend, another one follows. At this pace, we put our happiness beyond the cognitive horizon... we set ourselves up to never feel happiness... can't we just be happy with what we have now? With what we're doing now?

Next. What did technology force us to do? Like each passing trend, we treated our friends and family like entertainment. We forced ourselves to become performers so that we can always entertain our wives and our husbands and our friends and our superiors and it doesn't end. We put on a smile, we act professional, we act happy to please the people around us. Even when I try not to pander to my audience, it happens anyway... We perform constantly to each other, and when we're bored we look for another performer.
This is hell.
Like actually hell. It's exhausting and it hurts and it's not real and worst of all that's not how you find a friend. A friend isn't there for just the good and happy times... they're there almost all the time. To deal with your crap and to deal with your joys. That's what friends do isn't it? So why do we keep abandoning them so often?

... I guess it's like those other tiny glowing screens. When I don't like or enjoy you anymore, I'll just swipe left.

Thursday, July 20, 2017


I like gifts. They make me happy. Receiving or giving, They can make me and the people around me smile.

It's too bad though. In the two years I'm gone there's a lot of gifts I can't receive and a lot that I can't give.

Ha! I'm just kidding. I'm giving some anyway. At least a little early, to my family. I love my family. I really do. And I do my best to make right by them. Unfortunately I won't be able to really talk to them over the next few years... So I'm doing a few things early.

Since I know that my siblings currently don't read this blog, I'm going to tell y'all what I just did. Mom & Dad please if you're reading, please don't tell them yet. Gifts are a beautiful thing because they can be a physical manifestation of your love towards another person. Of course sometimes a gift is just an item. So what distinguishes them from each other? What makes a gift more than an item?

Love. Just love. Yeah it could be an $1000 handbag from Morocco, but unless it means something more, it's just a bag. After a while, I found a way to be meaningful in all my presents. The answer is a few more questions. Not for the person you're giving it to, but to yourself. Ask yourself, what do you like most about that person? What's your favorite characteristic of this person? What's your favorite memory of them?

And then after this mini interrogation, find an item that symbolizes that. You see, the key to a good present isn't the present itself, but what it represents to your relationship together. Don't buy a gift card. Don't give cash. It lacks effort, just give an item that means something to them. Take the effort. Take the time. Because isn't that the greatest commodity in the world? Not money. Not oil or energy. But time. It's something everyone has and is constantly running out of. And time shows who you really love. Who do you spend you spend your time with? What do you spend your time on? It's a good indicator on who you care about and what you love to do.

For my siblings and for those I really care about I take my time with my gifts. For my sister, 2 things to show her emotions. One to show her mutual disgust with us and another gift to show how happy I think really is. For my other sister, a comfier room that can connect with what she likes. For my little brother, literally everything else I have. And finally for Mom & Dad... I know I can't give you anything big or fancy... I know I can't give you a lot. But with what I can give I hope you can love. I'm hoping to give you stories. And even though it's not much, I hope you can like it anyway.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


Roughly 7 days.

You know... everything was made in seven days.
I've gone through a lot of stressful things in seven days.
You could also call a lot of people to say goodbye in seven days.

Or you could be bored and impatient.

Hi. I'm bored and impatient. I feel ready. I feel confident. I feel good. But seven more days to go I suppose.

Whelp. Almost there.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Am I ready?

Interesting question. Well I guess that depends...

For life? Well I don't know. You tell me. I still play my Xbox and Gamecube. I still find time to run around with a doggo or make jokes about poop or even serenade a plant. So I guess I'm still a kid. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love being a kid. I run around, I always ask questions (no matter how weird or unrelated), and to be honest I kinda like it. For the longest time I hate being called immature, because I've been trying not to be... but sometimes I wonder if it's even working. It's probably what most people are still thinking anyway... so I guess I should just swerve right in the skid and call myself a kid. I'll get there though. I'm learning new things. Every day. I'm trying to see other people's perspective, and I'm being more controlled. Plus I'm starting to create more econ/business pick-up lines. So I guess I'm getting there. Let's just hope I like who I turn out to be.

For love? BAHAHAHAHA no. Am I ever really ready for that devilish 4-letter word? no. It's not something I really feel too often anymore anyway. So I don't really bother too much. Instead I just make a lot of best friends. And that's fine! If you analyze how I treat them, I treat them like my best friends so they are my best friends. Sometimes I do form feelings for them though... and that's annoying but I do my best not to act on it. Because... I don't feel like it's something I deserve. Growing up I watch Disney all the time and it's always the princess marrying the prince. I guess I just never really saw myself as that prince. It's all dandy though! I made a lot of really cool best friends and to be honest a lot of times I loved them more than who I actually dated.

For my mission? Heck yeah. I know I might not be ready for life. Being an immature nerd, life is something I'll probably grow into. I know I'm not ready for love. I mean if I love best friends more than girlfriends, then I'm stupid enough to forget the difference. But for this mission I have no doubts. Not anymore. I'm happy and I'm ready. I know who I need to be. I know what I need to say. And whether or not, I'm just an actor in God's heavenly game, I'm ready. I've read and I've practiced and I've felt the truth of it all. I'm probably being a bit meta right now, but I know who I am. I know where I'm going. And I know how I can teach you to know it too.

I'm ready.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Left behind

An ode to those we left. To those we choose to forget. To those who hurt us. And to those we never forgave.

Wow I just started and I'm already being too meta

What do we do to those people? (Notice I'm already distancing myself with that statement)
Do we forget about them? Casually say hi? Try to bring them back up in our lives? Just nod?

I'm talking about this because a few hours ago I was walking at a mall and nodded at an old friend and then continued to walk on my merry way. The last time we talked, he seemed kinda depressed. He dropped out of community college, academics suck, and he preferred to stay working at a local shoe place. We kept talking and I mentioned how I want to do accounting and etc.

It's strange that the people we spent our last four years with somehow became another stranger. We don't talk, when we do it's awkward, and looking back I don't even have his number or know his last name... At this point it's fair to say that he means little to nothing to me and I'm moving on with my life. I left him behind.

Is that bad? I understand that we should try to help them out or still be friends but at the same time my life still goes on... And it's not like I can change them. If they want to get better they have to put in the effort too. Soooo I guess it might be good to leave some people behind?

I do feel bad for not helping him out as much. In high school we both took the nerdy classes. And it was hard but we both got it down. Somehow though it didn't end up the same. Not even close. And it's not my fault! That's just how life works. Of course there are others who may not even try or want to try. There are also a few who selfishly spend everything they have on only themselves.. But then again... who am I to judge? I'm not Jesus. I shouldn't be the one to decide their worth, or the value of their actions. But what if my friends right now are like that too... that my year old friendship will always be just a friend that I had for a year. Or that one girl I met in BYU is nothing more than that one girl that I met in BYU. Isn't it a bit sad that that might be all there is in that friendship?

Let's take it a bit deeper.What if the one being left behind is me. Yeah I'll go to the Philippines for two years, but time doesn't stop for me. And it certainly won't stop for the people around me. Yeah I'll leave, and life will go on. I do feel like it's the right decision for me to go, but I couldn't help feeling afraid. Not of the mission, but afraid of how people will see me when I get back. I don't want to feel like I was left behind... In that two years even though it wasn't purely academic, I still learned. I still grew. And I promise I became a better person because of it. I guess I'm just afraid that it still won't be enough to feel satisfied. And that's not even all of it.

I'm afraid that when I get home I'll be like every other RM. That I'll look like every other indistinguishable black and white tile on Jesus and Satan's backgammon game. That I'll be another weird, uber-spiritual, unable-to-talk-about-anything-else, always-trying-to-flirt-to-convert, let's-get-married-by-spring, Returned Missionary. And I don't want that... I wanna be me. I'm just afraid that maybe somewhere along the way I'll forget what that means...

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

It's a necessary pain

This is where all those typical advice fail.
This is where all your hopes and dreams can be made.
Or be crushed.
This is where nothing is ever fair, and nothing is ever deserved or earned.
But somehow it's all a part of life and it makes it a little bit more meaningful.

My friend asked me to talk about love. Or just feels in general. And lemme tell you something. It. Sucks. A lot.

Today I'm gonna talk to you about a slut. Maybe that was a bit strong. About a particular person. Typically I don't care too much about dating and when I do, I often don't give myself the chance. Dating is weird. We open ourselves up, we hope to be liked or at least enjoyed by another person, then we do it again and again until our relationship deepens or until it fades away.

I'm not really that good at it, I mean I use clouds as an excuse to cuddle so I guess I'm not the best. But sometimes... just sometimes it works. You get close, you keep talking, you spend time together, then what? What are you now?

Here. Right here. This is the part that I don't like. It's almost like an ultimatum (because it is). In one hand you can keep going and have a DTR (define the relationship) and actually date, in the other hand it could stop and your friendship will most likely end. Or in my case, take the #weaksauce route and act like a friend. Diving into that forced platonic-ness with a smile. Gosh I love it here (sarcasm).

You know why I hate this part? Because it's crazy how fast things change and just how fast it can affect you. Two weeks ago, she's an ordinary girl who meant as much as a stranger, and now she's here with feels. It's crazy. Maybe at one point you only liked the person for their sense of humor, or a certain quirk, or maybe just their physical appearance. Then BAM! It hits you. Unlike some people who you can get over, these ones aren't like that at all.

They're pretty, and funny, and smart. Can lift all your thoughts and bring feeling back to your heart. Can talk about anything from poetry, to business, and the arts. Can make you a person better than you can ever believe. Or tear you apart farther than you can imagine.

Unlike other people or situations where you can take my #weaksauce way out, they'll force you to trust them, to care, to love... so if it ends... when it ends... you'll be more aware of the hole that that person left there.

But no matter what... that shouldn't be an excuse to close up your heart. Maybe I'm being naive or maybe I'm just too dumb or young or immature to understand it. But feels and love as sucky as it all is, isn't something anyone should give up on. Because no matter how dumb or young or immature anyone is, don't we all deserve love. It's the very best part of being alive. And once you find it... once I find it, it'll make life suck a little less.

And yeah you're probably still right! life and love and everything sucks. Yeah love hurts more often that it heals right now. But when you look at it, you only to succeed once.  I can fail. I can get dumped. I can be shut out and ghosted a million billion times. But if that one girl says yes. Or at least laughs at my stupid accounting jokes. Then at least I know there's something. At least I know there's a chance. I've got a chance.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

My Recipe

I guess my ego got a bit big didn't it?

In the last few weeks, a lot of people have been greeting me. Saying hi, saying whatever it is they like about me, or says what they'll miss about me. This is bad for my ego... it's inflating a bit too much. But a few of these people asked a different question. They asked my parents, "how did you raise him like this?" One of them even asked me personally, "What made you turn out like this?"

I didn't really have a good answer. So I guess I should make a recipe.

So what made me, me? After a while it was actually kinda simple. First off let's look at what I do most of the day. It's not watching tv or driving or writing, it's listening to music. So that's where I looked first; my music taste. What I found inside was.... me.

There I was. Every good memory. Every bad memory. I can trace my whole life through these songs. Now granted, I have a lot of songs, but a few albums really stuck out in my life. I'll list them out.

-Mylo Xyloto–Coldplay
-Vampire Weekend–Vampire Weekend
-Watch the Throne–JAY Z & Kanye
-Night Visions–Imagine Dragons
-Lasers–Lupe Fiasco
-Death of a Bachelor–Panic! At The Disco
-Cardboard Castles–Watsky
-Hot Fuss–The Killers
-The Click–AJR
-I Love You.–The Neighbourhood
-Hamilton–Broadway Cast of Hamilton
-Red–Taylor Swift
-Waking Up–OneRepublic
-Science & Faith–The Script

Yeah some of those albums are weird or sad or really happy or just what is this?! but after a while, they're a part of me. Sure make fun of me that my personality was based on music or that these are the songs that made me; me. But, don't we all do that to an extent? When it's our birthday don't we sing a song? When we get married don't we sing a song? Whenever a big or small event happens in our life, isn't there at least some kind of background music? And it's true that most of the time we probably don't pay attention or care, but when we hear that dreadful song again... it comes back doesn't it? Those feelings. No matter how happy or sad, it comes back... it always comes back... when we hear these songs.

That's me. Because more often than not, these albums became the background story of my life. And even though they're funny or weird or just plain stupid, whenever I listen to them I remember. I remember what I've done. I remember the things I care about. I remember the things I lost. I remember the friends I've made. And I'm reminded... reminded so many times of the lessons I learned.

And oh golly oh gee oh darnity darn have I learned a lot of random lessons. It's good though. It'll help me a lot in the next two years.

Monday, July 10, 2017

;) s0cI@l $oCiaL (;

10 minutes ago I thought I finally convinced myself that I ran out of things to write about. I guess not.

Social media. You've heard of it. You've probably participated in it too. Using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, Tumblr, or even MySpace. It's normal! It's natural for people at this time to use these sites. But the more I spread out and find people of differing or just stranger beliefs, I've found that a few of my friends don't subscribe to this movement at all. At first I thought it was only one, but when I actually started counting I found 1,2,3,4 – a decent few who aren't into the whole techno get-together. I sound really old. To be honest I only started counting because one of my friends deleted her Snapchat. So I became curious. Why did she do this?

I started scrolling through my Facebook feed. Looking around. And it all looked the same. Exactly like the last time I looked through my Facebook feed. So I kept looking around...

What I found was that something so obvious I already found it in the past. It looked exactly the same. Not just the posts I'm seeing, I mean every post (old or new) looked the same. A distant cousin posting about family that looks a bit too happy, an old guy from church spouting obscure political rants, and friends posting about where they went in their last vacation; like Greece, Indonesia, or Madagascar. Do you know what this means?

It's not even real. The family pictures. They're not happy all the time, ask around. They were probably arguing right before that picture and was arguing about some crab cakes right after. The old people rants, let's be real we all ignore them unless it aligns with what we believe in. Because isn't that all we know? Our beliefs and our perception of other people's beliefs. And my friend's vacations... That just makes me angry. I should feel happy for them but I'm not. I'm partly jealous that I'm not there, and I feel bad about myself for not being there or for not looking as good.

No wonder some of my friends left social media. It stopped feeling real. But then again... talking about real life isn't that much interesting either. Posting about my crippling debt, or family dynamic will definitely feel real! But it won't get me those clicks, those likes. That mini-vibration that's sure to boost my self-esteem.

"Hey guys! my last photo from (insert vacation) that I posted in (insert trendy new app) got (insert large number) likes/hearts/stamps of approval." Posting about superficial smiles isn't going to help you feel something again. If it did, I'd post more on Facebook. But I see the appeal... if you're stuck at a dead end job feeling bored, it's natural to trade in a boring life for an empty storyline. Is this the right fix?

No. I'm not gonna make unnecessary drama. I'm not going to distance myself anymore than I already have. I don't feel close to anyone. It's like my closest relationship isn't even to my mom or dad, only to my phone. I'll talk to them.

Don't you ever just wanna talk to your Dad? Why do I need 14 accounts to talk to my Dad. I'll just yell his name.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Ordinary human

I think everyone needs a humility check every once and a while. A time when we realize "oh yeah that's right! I'm not perfect." And that's totally natural. It's a part of being human.

However even though we make mistakes, it is true that there are some actions that we need to make, even when that action is a mistake. Let's make things clear, I'm far from perfect. I truly am. But whenever I come home, they greet me with the same enthusiasm as war heroes. And yeah I've done good things in my life, but calm down. I'm still an ordinary human. I still have weird thoughts. And at times I post things that I probably shouldn't have.

The last post I made about God, was very sacrilegious and something I shouldn't have done, especially considering I'm supposed to proselyte about Him. But I will not take it down. Yeah it's a mistake... but it's a mistake that I have to make. Maybe I just wanted to feel something again like guilt or shame or imperfections. But no! It's more than that. While I do have faith and I believe in Him, I am not blind. I do question him sometimes and I do find my peace. Maybe I'm just not made right. Or maybe this healthy skepticism isn't skepticism, only an imperfection. Well if it is then screw it! Imperfection is not a weakness. But by at least acknowledging these imperfections, they can be my strength.

Yes a part of me is a sarcastic, weird, and apparently sacrilegious dingus, but you know what? that's me. I'm happy this way. I'm happy being human. And I guess I just gotta keep on yelling till I accept it myself.

But of course a lot of times people just tend to ignore me, my weird thoughts, and my random introspective shit. Soooo let's just do that bro thing where we nod like douches and mutually suppress our emotions okay?


Saturday, July 8, 2017

God. Hi.

It's not that I know better than anyone else. And I don't want to try to assert my beliefs onto anyone. (Wait... I'm going to proselyte for 2 years.... whoops). Anyway the following is a hypothetical conversation with God. Maybe not your God or my God, but for the sake of argument, let's say he's a God who's chill and bored enough to talk to me.

(Starts prayer)
Me: Our dearest Heavenly Father, please protect us and keep us safe–
God: –Please shut up.
Me: Whoa what? I thought you liked my prayers
God: Yeah but every time you pray, you start it that way. Thanks for the reverence bro but "keep us safe?" Really? You literally say that everyday... It's like you know there's a serial killer in the room. Just move somewhere safe.
Me: Well damn aren't you sassy
God: Don't swear at me! You frickin Narwhal... I wrote a book for you telling you to stop being a dick and this is what you do?
Me: What book? Where in the Bible does it say that?
God: So many times! Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick?! No wonder that book is so thick.
Jesus: Yeah Dad has a point... Even I didn't think we needed to write "thou shalt not kill," but apparently you needed that just to confirm.
Me: Jesus... I thought you were on my side.
Jesus: I'm a moderator. I'm just making sure it's a level playing field–
Me: –HE'S GOD!! How is this leveling the playing field?!
(Jesus leaves because you don't cut off Jesus and he's done with my crap)
God: To make sure you understand the rules! Everyday I hear some random dude say something a Hindu guy say about some Jewish guy who talked about a Catholic guy's description of me. At this point I'm not sure if you know anything at all.
Me: Well I'm sorry... That's how I was raised. I guess I just didn't know.
God: Then stop complicating things. If you're a son of God, then doesn't that mean that I used to be like you before I was a God? I get pissed off too and I get confused too. Or at least I used to, or know how it feels. So just calm down and just be nice.
Me: That's really cool... God? May I ask you a question? Are you happy with us?
God: I'm not gonna lie, mostly because I can't, but sometimes I don't believe in you.
Me: Oh... So I believe in God but He doesn't believe in me.
God: I don't mean that necessarily towards you. It's that all of you pray and sing your hymns but what do you do next? What's the point of even believing in me if you don't practice what you believe in? If you truly want me to be proud of you then be nice. Act on it. Be like your main man Jesus.
Me: Lol don't say that. I don't want Jesus to have an even higher ego... Heavenly Father? Could you direct my life? For the better ya know because I want you to believe in me. I want to be a good servant for you... or at least an okay missionary.
God: Bruh I've been directing your life... the whole time. Don't worry I gotchu. Just pray like you mean it and be nice, and you'll be fine.

Sorry for being a sacrilegious piece of trash. But I can't be this open for a while so I might as well let it all out now. Sorry not sorry.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Never Let it Die

My writing style. My attitude. My beliefs.

About 18 days. In about 18 days, my life will change. It's not anything too dramatic of course! No fire nation attacking or long lost relationship, if that's what you were hoping for. I'm simply leaving.

For the next two years I'll leave and serve the people of Urdaneta Philippines. It'll be a fun time I promise. But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss anything. Today I was compiling emails and I realized that I made so many friends. So many that I'll miss. So many that I had fun meeting. And so many who taught me to become better than who I already am.

I learned a lot from them. And I'll never forget that. I'll never let it die.

In this transition, I was asked a few times if it was all going to change. If this mission will change my beliefs and writing. It won't. I'll still be me. I'll still be #liberalmormonhippie who blogs, loves accounting, and is still very much a kid. I will change a little because even though I'm literally half a world away, I'll still keep on learning. But that doesn't mean I'll forget who I am. Maybe that hippie won't be as loud, or will learn a few more religious quotes, but I'll still be that hippie who says hi to strangers and is awkward as hell.

I promise you that. That my writing, my attitude, my beliefs... I'll never let it die.
And if I can't live up to that, then comment and burn my weird ass.

Thursday, July 6, 2017


So today what did I do? Well I know I did some pretty fun things tonight (; But before we go there let's start from the beginning of my day.

This is a weird format... I'm usually half incoherent when I write here but I'll actually try to make this chronological and about my day. First off I woke up. It was fairly early, about 10:45 AM (I can't wake up... life is gonna suck waking up early for two years). Ate some breakfast then dressed up and got ready. I looked at my phone and realized one of my friends just left. We already called yesterday so we made our peace, but I texted goodbye again anyway.

Today, my agenda was to meet up with two really cool people. My AP Gov teacher who's really funny and helped improve my reading, compassion, and public speaking skills and one of my bestest friends in high school who helped me find my testimony, helped me with my homesickness and issues in high school, and believe-it-or-not helped me choose accounting for my major. They're both really great people and I honestly wouldn't have been me without their help.

Anyhoo I first met up my teacher at an incredible restaurant In N Out (it's dabombdiggidy). We talked about life, BYU, and what the hell is a missionary. It was fun. We ate food and it made me miss senior year a bit. That was a fun time and even though a lot of drama went down that year, it was a good year for me. I made some great friends, some terrible mistakes, and learned more about myself. When we were done eating we hugged, took a picture, and said the same thing every pre-missionary kid would say, "see ya in 2."

Next up my bestest friend. I went to her house picked her up and off to Santa Cruz. Whenever we hangout we always go on a bit of a road trip. I honestly don't know why but it always feels like it's a thing we should do. Last time I saw her we drove to Cupertino and Palo Alto, another time we went to San Francisco for lunch, and this time I'm looking for a sexy banana slug in Santa Cruz. We went to the boardwalk and went on some rides, ate food, and did other fun stuff that I can't really remember because my short-term memory is terrible. OH! And I scared her with my driving as usual. It's not that I'm a bad driver or anything, but I drive very aggressively. SAFELY! but also aggressively... We finally caught up with each other's lives. I needed that. She's still pursuing accounting, and still doing other things (that I do not have her permission to say so I'm not saying it). We probably hung out for a little over 5 hours and while it was fun we didn't have time to get ice cream. It's okay though maybe next week after I watch BOM the musical. I didn't find a banana slug, but instead ended up buying 2 pairs of socks. And I'm fine with that because holy geez they're really nice socks. Thank you capitalism.

I came home a little earlier than expected and cooked some dinner. Steak and asparagus. Today's a good day but it's not over yet. When I moved to California from Minnesota I heard that they had a lot of really cool parties and raves here in California and it's true! They're pretty frickin cool. The best part is, the night life can be amazing in the Bay Area if you look for it. So tonight I decided to do something cool too. I went around and you know what I did last night?
I cried myself to sleep.
Don't you love human feelings?

Tuesday, July 4, 2017


I'm getting boring aren't I?

Say enough stories and they fall asleep, but hey! I'm a storyteller. It's what I do.

And I know you could probably argue that I should change my content a bit and say other crap that doesn't have a deeper moral background or lesson, but it's what feels right. I'll try to add some other variety but let's be real, deep stories are my skill. A lot random stuff happens in life and writing about them helps. Because life isn't really that bad. Sure there's disease and death and whatever, but it doesn't have to be sad. Deep sure, and maybe depressing however it can be more than that. As bad as it may be, in a different perspective it could be happy or even funny.

Also why should I care what you think? I know that I love pleasing you, but this blog is not made for you. I'm just here to write stories for the sake of telling them. Though I care about your opinion, rarely does it ever make me change this blog.

Because this isn't about pleasing you. If it was, I would try to pander more and more to whatever it is you're feeling. That's not my intention. My intention is something more selfish. It's to make you feel uncomfortable. I want to make you feel uneasy. It's the only way people can learn, by adapting to something strange. And that's what I want to do, not to make you feel weird all the time, but just enough. Just enough to clear my head. Just enough to bring perspective. Just enough to bring some peace.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Life is not simple

Well duh!

I think everyone already figured that out. It's complicated with a lot of random crap, lengthy backstories, unnecessary drama, and meaningless work.

Life is like a K-Drama but bad.... oh wait... isn't all of them bad? Nope nevermind. Boys Over Flowers is a great show. If my life was like that show... then dang my hairstyle looks like a croissant, and I need better lighting.

I'm digressing. I swear this happens in about every post... Life is complicated. A lot of things happen and we turn to what we trust or love to find answers. Whether it's in scriptural text, parental advice, friendly moral support, or even Taylor Swift's lyrics (which is stupid by the way... trusting song lyrics has the same gravitas as a fortune cookie from Panda Express), we look to these words and phrases and it'll help us. Is that enough though?

And once we get the answer isn't it over?

No! Of course not. As smart as I am, I am still a dingus (aren't we all?). And we forget, we're stupid, and sometimes we make mistakes even when we know those actions are a mistake. This is why we keep looking for advice, why we constantly try to better ourselves. Because the answer to life is not simple. It's not just to be brave, or to be strong, or to kill yourself. It's always something more, something valiant, something enduring, and takes more than a lifetime.

You see it's hard to find answers to the big questions in life. I mean of course the question, "what is the meaning of life?" is a big question, but that's because it has a big answer. The answer is anything and everything that matters to you. It's not about what you need or what you want or what you deserve, but what you believe in. This is why I'm telling to look harder than than those random quotes, or friendly advice, or Taylor Swift's songs.... Because those things are not you. Maybe a part of you but not everything else. You, like all of us, are hugely complicated and amazing with a multifaceted identity. Sometimes it's just hard to grasp it all.

We make mistakes over and over again, but the things we truly love and believe in will always be there, will always be repeated in our minds, to remind ourselves that this is what I'm looking for. That this is what I believe is true. That this is me.