Ch 13 Stood Up

At church today I had some alone time. Not too long of course, but just enough to ponder about a quick story.

Usually whenever I talk about someone new they always sound so amazing. Whoever they are, they give me a few details here and there to describe someone you may imagine then fill in the blanks with someone I love or someone who is more than they are. I don't try to do this or intentionally do this, but I guess I just see them optimistically as a more perfect person. Filling in the blanks to become someone I want to be around or someone I love.

And at times... like all young adults, it leads one to do stupid things.

One time in college I had a minicrush on this one girl. Barely knew her. And by barely I mean I had probably 10 fifteen minute conversations with her or something like that, and I invited her to go on a picnic with me. She said sure and I was really excited. I wrote a note on my journal and my calendar and I was ready to have an awesome picnic.

When the day finally came I got a cute basket, a blanket, and a movie ready and waited outside her apartment building. But she never arrived.

I stared at a tree and was confused with what to do. A few friends walked by and said hi but left as quickly as they arrived. Soon enough I stared at this tree and was angry for a little while.
"Where is she?"
"I'm such an idiot!"
"It's really cold out here"
But angry thoughts won't really get you anywhere. I stopped and knelt down for a prayer.
.
.
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I don't remember actually finishing that prayer. The next thing I remembered I woke up under the same tree wondering what had happened. First sudden chills went through me but not a minute later I felt good. Maybe not good about being stood up but good because I never really felt alone.

The reason why I talk about this is because I feel like people might perceive my life as perfect or going well and that's not entirely true. I have my own struggles and shortcomings, and though I don't really talk about it, doesn't mean bad experiences are not there (like being stood up). Regardless of what's going on, it's not going to change my belief that life is good. That while at times we may feel lost or confused or just staring blankly at the stars... there is someone there for us, and it is possible to keep going and move on. Sure in that night, the one I was waiting for did not arrive, but I never stopped feeling the Spirit's promptings that life is good.

Yeah life sucks and it's hard at times but if we choose to not focus on ourselves. If we look at that bigger picture, choose to endure past the struggles, and having faith for what seems like something unachievable, then we can become the people we want to be. The person that God knows we can be.

Ch 12 Annual Friendship Subscription

ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT MARRIED!!!! WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!

Okay that was a bit too much excitement... anyway got her a marriage gift, registry gift, newwed giveaway, a thingy thing to celebrate their eternal bonding thingermajiger.

After buying her the gift though, I started pondering... of well our friendship. There were a lot of ups and downs, and more drives to count. She really was (and still is) an incredible friend. Though a few hundred miles away, I still feel her care and genuine love, and though I know I'm not the eternal best friend for her, she is and always will be that one bubbly weird girl that says hi to me when I most need it.

She's awesome and kind and though she doesn't really show it... very patient for the people who really matters. She's loyal and though she friendzoned me (but let's real I liked it there anyway), it was a really bomb af zone. And I'm glad she did too, because though that decision, I'm proud to have seen her change to become a wonderful young woman. A woman who I know should make Justin worry. Because bro you got some catching up to do.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you this in person or be there in your special day, but I hope this along with our annual friendship subscription helped. I know I'm not a perfect person and I get that at times I might've been a bad friend (or at least bad at advice). But I hope that though it wasn't perfect, I could be a good friend to you.

Also I hope you like the travel bag.

Ch 11 Everything's gonna be okay

"I'm different."
"How?"
"I'm acting more like myself!"

I don't mean myself before the mission, but the version of me I'm comfortable with. How can I explain this... let's start with a story.

In 2015-2016 I applied for a few colleges: UofM, BYU, UCLA, Dartmouth, Fordham, UC Berkeley, UChicago, etc. And when I applied I wrote one essay that fit in most of the prompts. This is the essay that helped me gain acceptance to my future and when the time finally came to writing that paper, I decided to take a slightly different route. Instead of talking about achievements or passions or families, I decided to talk about a mask.

What do you think of when you think of masks?

People being fake? a masquerade? hidden agendas? something not real? If so, you're probably right!
I talked about wearing a mask to fit in. To find friends, to get things, and to get connections. For personal gain, for selfish purposes and for selfless purposes. I talked about being used or using others and I talked about how I was a mask.

Just do what they tell you.
Just follow what they do.
Buy what they buy.
Talk about this.
Listen to this instead.
Only hang out with them.
Date her.... And everything's gonna be okay.

And that's what I did... in the hopes that everything's gonna be okay. The colleges asked me to talk about myself, but when the time came, I wasn't exactly sure who that was.

I'm still trying to find out.

But since my arrival here and my time to think I believe that for once... it's not an empty promise.
That everything's gonna be okay.

Ch 10 Meekness in my Voice

I know it's been a while but before I post this, I had to be sure that I was being honest with what I'm saying and making sure that what I felt was true.

A few weeks ago I called an old friend, and she said that I sounded different. A bit sadder. A bit more somber. To which I responded with, "just with a different perspective." I kept thinking about my answer for a while (basically since my last post) and pondered what I meant with this perspective.

At first I wasn't necessarily sure if this was a good thing. My sister sometimes asks me the old me disappeared and not really, just different.

Maybe for the first time in a while I can finally slow down and look inwards with what I think and feel and want. Or maybe I just became more introverted. Or maybe for the first time in a while I don't feel like pretending or being something else.

A few weeks ago I called an old friend. We caught up on life, discussed goals, some accounting jokes, and asked why I sounded different. What sounded different?

I'm feeling...
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.
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Grateful. Maybe a bit lowly, but Grateful.