The Longer Ones

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Life Sucks

So I thought I was going to eat breakfast with my friend and I was really looking forward to it. I could barely even sleep last night. And somehow I kept remembering her words and it impressed me so much. She's so cool and nice and I know right now I am ranting about a random girl I literally met a few days before. But look out world, she can speak in math, she's technically a junior but we're the same age. And right before breakfast I screwed it up.

Guys are jerks. First let me be sympathetic to jerks, such as I, and explain the situation. I planned a breakfast, I was ready to go, I showered and life was good. I arrived at the cannon about 5 minutes early, so I went inside got some food. And then I saw her group of RA's and herself (or I thought I saw her) and wow. Just uhhhhh. It felt like every part of me lost confidence, and all I wanted to do was shrivel up and feel intimidated. I don't know why I felt this, it sorta just happened and suddenly everything became inarticulate. In my head this was my literal thought, "haavessgdbbaosdheahsaps." And then almost automatically my legs turned and I moved in the opposite direction. I sat down next to Drew (a dorm mate, a few dorms to the right of mine), and he was nice and all but it didn't feel right at all. Why is she so interesting and cool? Like can you not? Honestly it's hard to not be nervous or scared, but at times it happens. For some reason for guys specifically, there's a stigma that they may be "tools," or "jerks," but in all honesty when you look at their life, did they ever have the chance? if they were never taught otherwise, wouldn't anyone just choose the easy way out and walk away too? however whether you're a girl or a boy or somewhere in between, there's always general fear of what might happen, or what can go wrong, and that's okay. But not when it turns you into someone you don't like. And if that's the case, then that person should be held accountable for his actions. Including me.

I stood her up.

One of my old friends told me this song that makes fun of my religion. It's called "Spooky Mormon Hell Dreams," from the musical Book Of Mormon the musical. Some of my favorite lyrics from that song is, "long ago, when I was five, I snuck in the kitchen late at night and ate a donut with a maple glaze//My father asked who ate the snack, I said that it was my brother Jack, and Jack got grounded for 14 days//I lived with that guilt all of my life and the terrible vision that I had last night//In a spooky Mormon hell dream." It was a nice song at first but wow it is spookily accurate.

She was probably waiting at least 20 minutes and I didn't show, instead I put my head down and I shut up. I received a text from her saying "bruh," and "where were you?." Immediately my thoughts switched from guilt to a mixture of guilt, embarrassment, and shame. I feel absolutely terrible. I wonder what she felt. I wonder if I hurt her. I probably did and I shouldn't have done that. She doesn't deserve that and any pain I may have caused.

OK WHOA WHOA WHOA, let's be rational. It's LITERALLY the second day of college. I don't have any feelings for this person (at least not right now), nor do I feel I may or may not have a future with her. But whether or not I do, each person in the world deserves at least a certain level of dignity and respect, and I have violated that belief.

It's lunchtime. I can't eat while my guilt is eating me. It's strange but I guess for right now I'm fasting and hoping for the best.

I'm not really sure what to do next, but I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry personally and hoping we can at least have a friendship.

P.S. I'm probably overreacting and releasing random hormonal 18 year old bleh. But hey! Like I said before, this journal isn't for the satisfaction of the people around me, nor is it to gain mutual respect or love or joy or acceptance from any random person. This is for my thoughts. This is for me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Welcome to Mutual Ngeh Ngeeehh

So this is my first day of college. Testosterone, heat, drama, and the lack of parental control are already setting in. The side effects include random kindness, aggravation, and intense emotional outpour at the moment. I'm staring at the stars and I never realized how much I missed it. When you look up you never really realize they are but glowing balls of gas and ash but somehow they're perfectly there. Just there. forever where they need to be. I'm not sure where or what I should be but I hope I chose the right decision with this school. I'm really worried and I keep seeing my family's text and it's making me miss them more and more. I'm laying on the grass in front of my dorm and like those infinitely significant balls of gas, it's often unrecognized and unnoticed. But that's ok.

For the stars even though they are infinitely important a
nd brings heat and life to this planet, there's millions of them anyway everywhere. I guess that could be a meaning to we are all special. When everyone is special by logic it is derived that no one is. But that overlooks the question of why? Why are they special. Each star is significant for its own purpose and in this campus even though I'm just another Californian kid another Mormon another Asian another weirdo. It'll all be alright. Because I'm here for a reason. Maybe not one that is known to me at the moment but one day I'll learn soon.

I messed up a few times today. I suddenly went all depressing like I'm projecting my homesickness to other people and to everyday things... I went really dark in a conversation and basically tried to disprove the honor code. That was wrong and I feel bad. I hope they'll forgive me and not see me as this depressing kid. Then again I am journaling at 1am outside alone in the dark... That's ok. I needed this. I like doing this. Journaling isn't for the judgement of others. Not even my future spouse (if I ever have one). This is for me. This is for me.

I left my parents today and I miss them so much. I'm shivering in the cold but it's ok cuz it reminds me of those camping trips in camp Sacajawea in Minnesota with dad and it was nice. I remember that old igloo we found and Zac and Hyrum slept inside while dad and I slept near a fire in the cabin. I have still yet to look at the texts they sent me.. I don't wanna look yet. Because I think it'll make me cry. I'll be alright though. One thing I tell myself is that everyone else has or is going through these mixed emotions whether it's right now or later... It will and It'll be alright. That no matter how sucky I may feel right now, we are all experiencing roughly the same thing, in a new environment feeling mutual ngeehh. and I know It'll be alright. Because whether or not they are thousands of miles away or just in Orem, life keeps going, clocks keep on turning, and no matter what happens they'll always love you no matter what the distance. I love you mom. I love you dad. Love you bro. Love you sis (older). Love you sis (younger). 

Maybe it's just me but the upperclassmen just seems done with life they don't particularly smile they shrug they ignore the people around them and they are very how do I phrase this they're very hard-hearted. With the exception of my sister (at times), they seem to be ones I should avoid. I made some friends today. I made a lot. I said a lie about where I live but only because no one knows where Milpitas is so I just say San Jose. It's probably just a half-truth for the purposes of cutting long explanations. I saw one of my friends from the "BYU-I do page," and she was cool. She was really nice and I hung out with her basically the whole day and I am surprised at how many people she already knew. We kept making jokes that she wouldn't get married but in all honesty she's a sweetheart and any guy would be lucky to be her companion. If she does get married, I'm sure she'll make the right decision. The only I mention this is because of a comment she made about how relationships will either end in marriage or in break-ups and realistically this is true, you can say friendship for that to happen a break-up must still occur. My girlfriend broke up with me today (at least officially it was today). Through text. But maybe it just didn't hit me yet. I haven't told anyone... And I haven't told my sister I lied about that. I'll be okay. I just need to hide it for now. It's already an emotional week. I can't tear myself apart any more than this. I can't let it affect my productivity. I am here to learn.... Not to die from some now insignificant relationship.

The dancing was fun. I met new people I danced and for the first time I'm pretty sure there was grinding, mosh pits, making out, and crowd surfing... at a Mormon dance... In fairness it was awesome it reminded me of high school prom. I made a lot of friends there and even though it was sweaty and gross we had a good time. They all had so much energy which intimidated me but I still got some of my moves going hahaha. Afterwards I went outside with some of my friends and we ran through some sprinklers. It felt very nice compared to the oven (otherwise known as every Mormon dance). The water was great but with the cold it's starting to really make me shiver (especially as I write in this journal) And after that we all went to my friend's dorm and I saw his mom. She was Filipino and she talked to me and I hugged her. I most likely also projected my own mom onto her and it felt like another goodbye hug. I miss her a lot. More than I expected. At this point I'm willing to trade my beats or anything really for just one hug from mom.

I made a new friend group. They were incredibly nice. Almost too nice? Like the stereotype of Canada, Minnesota, and Mormonism all in one and it was pretty intense. I loved it and I played duck duck goose. It's been a while. I hope they stay but most likely not. I'll probably never see them again but that's ok. I met my roommate and he's chill. I like him actually and he's asleep right now so in fairness he's in a better place than me right now. I think he's asleep. I should go too. I have to wake up at 6:45 tomorrow. So that'll be a bit rough. But I'll be okay. I think I will. Goodnight.