So this is my first day of college. Testosterone, heat, drama, and the lack of parental control are already setting in. The side effects include random kindness, aggravation, and intense emotional outpour at the moment. I'm staring at the stars and I never realized how much I missed it. When you look up you never really realize they are but glowing balls of gas and ash but somehow they're perfectly there. Just there. forever where they need to be. I'm not sure where or what I should be but I hope I chose the right decision with this school. I'm really worried and I keep seeing my family's text and it's making me miss them more and more. I'm laying on the grass in front of my dorm and like those infinitely significant balls of gas, it's often unrecognized and unnoticed. But that's ok.
For the stars even though they are infinitely important and brings heat and life to this planet, there's millions of them anyway everywhere. I guess that could be a meaning to we are all special. When everyone is special by logic it is derived that no one is. But that overlooks the question of why? Why are they special. Each star is significant for its own purpose and in this campus even though I'm just another Californian kid another Mormon another Asian another weirdo. It'll all be alright. Because I'm here for a reason. Maybe not one that is known to me at the moment but one day I'll learn soon.
I messed up a few times today. I suddenly went all depressing like I'm projecting my homesickness to other people and to everyday things... I went really dark in a conversation and basically tried to disprove the honor code. That was wrong and I feel bad. I hope they'll forgive me and not see me as this depressing kid. Then again I am journaling at 1am outside alone in the dark... That's ok. I needed this. I like doing this. Journaling isn't for the judgement of others. Not even my future spouse (if I ever have one). This is for me. This is for me.
I left my parents today and I miss them so much. I'm shivering in the cold but it's ok cuz it reminds me of those camping trips in camp Sacajawea in Minnesota with dad and it was nice. I remember that old igloo we found and Zac and Hyrum slept inside while dad and I slept near a fire in the cabin. I have still yet to look at the texts they sent me.. I don't wanna look yet. Because I think it'll make me cry. I'll be alright though. One thing I tell myself is that everyone else has or is going through these mixed emotions whether it's right now or later... It will and It'll be alright. That no matter how sucky I may feel right now, we are all experiencing roughly the same thing, in a new environment feeling mutual ngeehh. and I know It'll be alright. Because whether or not they are thousands of miles away or just in Orem, life keeps going, clocks keep on turning, and no matter what happens they'll always love you no matter what the distance. I love you mom. I love you dad. Love you bro. Love you sis (older). Love you sis (younger).
Maybe it's just me but the upperclassmen just seems done with life they don't particularly smile they shrug they ignore the people around them and they are very how do I phrase this they're very hard-hearted. With the exception of my sister (at times), they seem to be ones I should avoid. I made some friends today. I made a lot. I said a lie about where I live but only because no one knows where Milpitas is so I just say San Jose. It's probably just a half-truth for the purposes of cutting long explanations. I saw one of my friends from the "BYU-I do page," and she was cool. She was really nice and I hung out with her basically the whole day and I am surprised at how many people she already knew. We kept making jokes that she wouldn't get married but in all honesty she's a sweetheart and any guy would be lucky to be her companion. If she does get married, I'm sure she'll make the right decision. The only I mention this is because of a comment she made about how relationships will either end in marriage or in break-ups and realistically this is true, you can say friendship for that to happen a break-up must still occur. My girlfriend broke up with me today (at least officially it was today). Through text. But maybe it just didn't hit me yet. I haven't told anyone... And I haven't told my sister I lied about that. I'll be okay. I just need to hide it for now. It's already an emotional week. I can't tear myself apart any more than this. I can't let it affect my productivity. I am here to learn.... Not to die from some now insignificant relationship.
The dancing was fun. I met new people I danced and for the first time I'm pretty sure there was grinding, mosh pits, making out, and crowd surfing... at a Mormon dance... In fairness it was awesome it reminded me of high school prom. I made a lot of friends there and even though it was sweaty and gross we had a good time. They all had so much energy which intimidated me but I still got some of my moves going hahaha. Afterwards I went outside with some of my friends and we ran through some sprinklers. It felt very nice compared to the oven (otherwise known as every Mormon dance). The water was great but with the cold it's starting to really make me shiver (especially as I write in this journal) And after that we all went to my friend's dorm and I saw his mom. She was Filipino and she talked to me and I hugged her. I most likely also projected my own mom onto her and it felt like another goodbye hug. I miss her a lot. More than I expected. At this point I'm willing to trade my beats or anything really for just one hug from mom.
I made a new friend group. They were incredibly nice. Almost too nice? Like the stereotype of Canada, Minnesota, and Mormonism all in one and it was pretty intense. I loved it and I played duck duck goose. It's been a while. I hope they stay but most likely not. I'll probably never see them again but that's ok. I met my roommate and he's chill. I like him actually and he's asleep right now so in fairness he's in a better place than me right now. I think he's asleep. I should go too. I have to wake up at . So that'll be a bit rough. But I'll be okay. I think I will. Goodnight.