The Longer Ones

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Life Sucks

So I thought I was going to eat breakfast with my friend and I was really looking forward to it. I could barely even sleep last night. And somehow I kept remembering her words and it impressed me so much. She's so cool and nice and I know right now I am ranting about a random girl I literally met a few days before. But look out world, she can speak in math, she's technically a junior but we're the same age. And right before breakfast I screwed it up.

Guys are jerks. First let me be sympathetic to jerks, such as I, and explain the situation. I planned a breakfast, I was ready to go, I showered and life was good. I arrived at the cannon about 5 minutes early, so I went inside got some food. And then I saw her group of RA's and herself (or I thought I saw her) and wow. Just uhhhhh. It felt like every part of me lost confidence, and all I wanted to do was shrivel up and feel intimidated. I don't know why I felt this, it sorta just happened and suddenly everything became inarticulate. In my head this was my literal thought, "haavessgdbbaosdheahsaps." And then almost automatically my legs turned and I moved in the opposite direction. I sat down next to Drew (a dorm mate, a few dorms to the right of mine), and he was nice and all but it didn't feel right at all. Why is she so interesting and cool? Like can you not? Honestly it's hard to not be nervous or scared, but at times it happens. For some reason for guys specifically, there's a stigma that they may be "tools," or "jerks," but in all honesty when you look at their life, did they ever have the chance? if they were never taught otherwise, wouldn't anyone just choose the easy way out and walk away too? however whether you're a girl or a boy or somewhere in between, there's always general fear of what might happen, or what can go wrong, and that's okay. But not when it turns you into someone you don't like. And if that's the case, then that person should be held accountable for his actions. Including me.

I stood her up.

One of my old friends told me this song that makes fun of my religion. It's called "Spooky Mormon Hell Dreams," from the musical Book Of Mormon the musical. Some of my favorite lyrics from that song is, "long ago, when I was five, I snuck in the kitchen late at night and ate a donut with a maple glaze//My father asked who ate the snack, I said that it was my brother Jack, and Jack got grounded for 14 days//I lived with that guilt all of my life and the terrible vision that I had last night//In a spooky Mormon hell dream." It was a nice song at first but wow it is spookily accurate.

She was probably waiting at least 20 minutes and I didn't show, instead I put my head down and I shut up. I received a text from her saying "bruh," and "where were you?." Immediately my thoughts switched from guilt to a mixture of guilt, embarrassment, and shame. I feel absolutely terrible. I wonder what she felt. I wonder if I hurt her. I probably did and I shouldn't have done that. She doesn't deserve that and any pain I may have caused.

OK WHOA WHOA WHOA, let's be rational. It's LITERALLY the second day of college. I don't have any feelings for this person (at least not right now), nor do I feel I may or may not have a future with her. But whether or not I do, each person in the world deserves at least a certain level of dignity and respect, and I have violated that belief.

It's lunchtime. I can't eat while my guilt is eating me. It's strange but I guess for right now I'm fasting and hoping for the best.

I'm not really sure what to do next, but I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry personally and hoping we can at least have a friendship.

P.S. I'm probably overreacting and releasing random hormonal 18 year old bleh. But hey! Like I said before, this journal isn't for the satisfaction of the people around me, nor is it to gain mutual respect or love or joy or acceptance from any random person. This is for my thoughts. This is for me.

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