The Longer Ones

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Ch 9 Opportunities

Trying not to be a missionary is weird.

Yeah it was for a short time, but when you're trained to talk and share spiritual knowledge, it can be hard at times to contain it all. For example, in one of my shifts I was talking to this one customer and she randomly brought up the topic of religion. I talked to her and shared with her some of my beliefs and vice versa until I got yelled at by my manager to keep doing my job. IT'S HARD TO SHUT UP!

It's like. I don't know how to describe it. It's like a weird breakup. Errr possibly every breakup. When you leave someone you cared a lot about, you're often stuck with a lot of information that probably won't be used anymore and it's a waste. So much information and detail that's just sitting there. But as irrelevant as it may be, it's still there. Annoyingly there. My faith, my beliefs, my ambitions, sitting here and I don't know what to do with them.

I suppose I could share them! But if I share with the people I know now, it'll bring about the awkward question of, "hey why're you home?" I'm really starting to get tired of that question... like, "didn't you read the email?" But nonetheless I want to share what I've learned. I know that my time there was cut short and I want to keep going. This is where the title of this post comes in.

Finding my opportunities. Whelp... it doesn't come daily as it used to. I still pray, still read my scriptures, and somehow it happens. Maybe it's because of my weird name, or me trying to bring it up in casual conversations, but at times I do talk about it. At work, in Uber rides, in the rain, wherever the Lord sends me, I gotta find a way.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Ch 8 Living in a Dream

Dreams. Dreams are a cool topic. I dream of being an accountant!
That says a lot about my personality already.... but that's not the kind of dream I'm thinking of. Oh no. These dreams are the ones we get everyday. The ones we easily forget, or long to remember. First off my English has been sucking lately, so let's hope my vocab skills are still somewhat there.

What do you dream about?

I should ask that on a date.... whatever. I dream of weird situations. Sailing a boat. Being kidnapped. Building legos. You know casual stuff like that! And occasionally there's one or two nightmares but those rarely occur.

Recently though there's this one dream that keeps repeating over and over. What's that word again... a reoccurring dream! I had a reoccurring dream of me in someone's house, teaching a lesson with my companion. I've never met him but he seems familiar somehow. Anyway I was hungry and tired, but I was still teaching. Sharing them what I knew and it felt good. I know that at the end of that lesson they might reject us but afterwards we said a quick prayer, wished them luck, and went on our way. And I wake up.

It keeps repeating every other night or so. And it makes me happy, like there's something more ahead or a joyful account of what could've happened... but for right now it is what it is. It's only a dream.

Ch 7 Depression

When I came home I knew full well that I'm going to disappoint a lot of people. But I never really realized the emotional aspect of it all until it actually happens.

I have no doubt that the right decision was made. However, I never realized how awkward and hard it is to tell the truth... to well a lot of people. At church or at work or whenever I see/talk to any of my friends and family really.

Adjustment hurts a bit. It hurts a lot. Usually when a missionary comes home it's... well happier. But I just can't stop feeling like I failed. Like this isn't where I'm meant to be, that I've hurt so many people, and by coming back I've effectively alienated my friends. Or at least made it so awkward that I can't talk to them like I used to.

The best two years. Errr the best month. And it was really good. I loved it a lot! Though it was painful and hard, it was worth it and I'm proud to have served no matter how short it was. But it hurts to talk about..

It's like the one topic I want to talk about, that one topic I'm most proud of, is also the one topic I'm most ashamed of. I pray it'll get better. It has to.