The Longer Ones

Saturday, July 8, 2017

God. Hi.

It's not that I know better than anyone else. And I don't want to try to assert my beliefs onto anyone. (Wait... I'm going to proselyte for 2 years.... whoops). Anyway the following is a hypothetical conversation with God. Maybe not your God or my God, but for the sake of argument, let's say he's a God who's chill and bored enough to talk to me.

(Starts prayer)
Me: Our dearest Heavenly Father, please protect us and keep us safe–
God: –Please shut up.
Me: Whoa what? I thought you liked my prayers
God: Yeah but every time you pray, you start it that way. Thanks for the reverence bro but "keep us safe?" Really? You literally say that everyday... It's like you know there's a serial killer in the room. Just move somewhere safe.
Me: Well damn aren't you sassy
God: Don't swear at me! You frickin Narwhal... I wrote a book for you telling you to stop being a dick and this is what you do?
Me: What book? Where in the Bible does it say that?
God: So many times! Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick?! No wonder that book is so thick.
Jesus: Yeah Dad has a point... Even I didn't think we needed to write "thou shalt not kill," but apparently you needed that just to confirm.
Me: Jesus... I thought you were on my side.
Jesus: I'm a moderator. I'm just making sure it's a level playing field–
Me: –HE'S GOD!! How is this leveling the playing field?!
(Jesus leaves because you don't cut off Jesus and he's done with my crap)
God: To make sure you understand the rules! Everyday I hear some random dude say something a Hindu guy say about some Jewish guy who talked about a Catholic guy's description of me. At this point I'm not sure if you know anything at all.
Me: Well I'm sorry... That's how I was raised. I guess I just didn't know.
God: Then stop complicating things. If you're a son of God, then doesn't that mean that I used to be like you before I was a God? I get pissed off too and I get confused too. Or at least I used to, or know how it feels. So just calm down and just be nice.
Me: That's really cool... God? May I ask you a question? Are you happy with us?
God: I'm not gonna lie, mostly because I can't, but sometimes I don't believe in you.
Me: Oh... So I believe in God but He doesn't believe in me.
God: I don't mean that necessarily towards you. It's that all of you pray and sing your hymns but what do you do next? What's the point of even believing in me if you don't practice what you believe in? If you truly want me to be proud of you then be nice. Act on it. Be like your main man Jesus.
Me: Lol don't say that. I don't want Jesus to have an even higher ego... Heavenly Father? Could you direct my life? For the better ya know because I want you to believe in me. I want to be a good servant for you... or at least an okay missionary.
God: Bruh I've been directing your life... the whole time. Don't worry I gotchu. Just pray like you mean it and be nice, and you'll be fine.

Sorry for being a sacrilegious piece of trash. But I can't be this open for a while so I might as well let it all out now. Sorry not sorry.

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