I was walking home when I received a text from a good friend. She told me that there was breakfast in 2AM and it was open to me if I was to wait outside in 20 degrees (Fahrenheit) weather.
This wasn't the first time I waited outside so I went along with it. While waiting a I sat under a tree alone in the dark and watched lights go off one by one. The play Waiting for Godot arose in my mind and I started to remember the story of Estragon and Vladimir. Except lonelier.
This time it was truly dark. No stars. No lights. No people. Just me. I sat and asked of the existence and actions of God. Not necessarily because I really wanted to but because it's what I do whenever my mind wanders and it's dark. I look in philosophy and find a deeper truth. I started asking about meaning and asking why?
And I decided to change the basis of my argument, to devolve to my skeptical agnostic self and ask him why? That if there was no meaning to the universe then what am I doing and why am I acting in opposition to the meaningless of the universe?
(Am I having an existential crisis... yeah probably but it's just a phase and this is my blog so let me have my moment.)
I've concluded that it's okay. That regardless of being an agnostic or even an atheist, it is important to assert meaning in opposition to the universe to be happy. That rather than sulking in nihilism, we need to imagine or experience joys in an otherwise indifferent universe to feel joy. Now that doesn't mean we should live in denial or forget about it, but it's good to still act against it. As one of my agnostic friends put it, "We live in an indifferent universe, but I choose not to be." Even with extreme repetitive dull tasks, we can find meaning and joy simply by believing otherwise. Not through denial but by believing another path that can bring joy; theism or pleasure or some other activity that brings meaning to you... etc.
Back to theism.
Heads up I do believe in a God. But I conduct thought experiments whenever I'm bored and sometimes it helps to get the full picture when I'm not in that mindset. Not to say that a theistic mindset restricts me, because this belief (like all other beliefs) in itself is its own universe of morality and greatness. But there are other ways to think. There are people who disagree with my beliefs and to keep going it is necessary for me to understand why they believe that way to strengthen my beliefs and gain better understanding and love towards others. Using relative morality, we are better able to tolerate or understand why others see their beliefs as being morally right.
Unfortunately not everyone sees it that way. I've been confronted by a few, who claim that trying to understand the 'opposition' is weakness and can lead in wavering beliefs. There might be some truth to it because in a way it is challenge to your beliefs, but then I ask isn't it worse to choose not to love and live in ignorance of others?
Sometimes I hate living in Mormonville... It's very skewed from my thoughts. I ran into this quote a while back, "God is dead and humanity killed him" -Neitzsche. Of course I don't think he's actually dead but I think we are killing his teachings. If we keep letting it be distorted by human motives and bias then the true meaning of religion wavers.
50 minutes passed. I was sitting under a tree. Still looking up at empty stars. She came out with breakfast and talked about life.