A friend asked me that question a little while ago.
Maybe I'm doubting this too much. Or maybe it's just boredom, existential thought, puberty, and awkwardness melding together to make a giant blob of me.
What's the problem?
I'm fine. I'm good. Life is together.
I have a family, I have a plan, I have a bed, I have a future. I have a mission.
Is there anything else I need?
I know I'm doing the right thing but sometimes I wonder if it's what I truly want.
You see as much as I love it, my biggest problem is you.
I want to please you....
I want to honor you....
I want to serve you.... But I need to be true to myself.
I want to give you what you deserve.... But I want to say what I think.
A part of me loves you.
A part of me hates you.
A part of me needs you.
A part of me fears you.
And honestly sometimes... I don't know if I can handle it.
I'm 19 and I'm a dork and I don't know if I can handle it right now.
I don't know if I'm ready for it at all.
But I have to go. I know I'll never be ready so I might as well just go.
"I don't know if I can handle this right now" -missionary confessions
After our conversation we hugged and she laughed a little bit. Watching as I give something I cannot give myself.