This is really long, feel free to skip this but I would really recommend reading it
The Makings of a Man
In fourth grade, there was a young boy,
for now let’s call him Lee, who was quiet and unable to speak. Lee wasn’t mute
or deaf; he simply didn’t know the language or the culture so he was silent.
One day, Lee was walking home from school with a Yu-Gi-Oh lunch box when
another student approached him and said what Lee believed were a few nice
words. “Go back to where you came from!” The student took his lunchbox, threw
it at the pavement, and proceeded to make fun of Lee’s accent and height. That
was his best friend. Over time, I have thought about this situation and asked
many things that would insult Lee’s “best friend,” until I considered why he
did that to him. Let’s call this best friend Johnny. Johnny was the oldest of
three children and at home he is left tending to his family. At about 5:30
every night, his father comes home, drinks a can of sprite, and tells him
repeatedly to, “shut up idiot! Leave me alone.” Later I ask myself, did he ever
stand a chance? Boys and men alike, whether at home or in college, RM’s or not,
are exposed to hyper-masculinity. Hyper-masculinity is synonymous to Masculinity,
which is defined as qualities or characteristics of a man, but perverts it by
over emphasizing it. However boys are left trying to define these qualities
with the examples of a bully and father who may or may not be there for them
because they tell them to, “shut up,” “be a man,” or “suck it up,” etc. Hyper-masculinity
and the lack of real role models lead boys to feel insecure about their
masculinity, forcing them to prove themselves constantly through what they
perceive as manly, such as aggression and objectification of women. We as a
society needs to stop hyper-masculinity by showing affection, spreading awareness
of this problem, and giving boys the ability to freely express their emotions.
Otherwise they will most often only hurt themselves and the people around them
through violence, sexual aggression, and low self-esteem because of unrealistic
standards.
Boys who did not grow up with a good
father figure or role model are left trying to define masculinity on their own.
Typically whenever a child, specifically a boy, cries, it’s easy to tell him
to, “Man up,” or to, “get over it.” However this gives children the perception
that emotions will make one weak. Let’s go back to the original story. Johnny
didn’t have a real role model in his life because the only father figure he had
is one who emotionally tormented him to silence, and aggression towards Lee.
Society sees masculinity as having the core beliefs of:
·
Toughness
as a form of emotional control
·
Violence
and danger are exciting and should be taught early
·
Acceptance
to being callous to women and sex
By saying these traditional words of
being a man, boys were left trying to define their own masculinity through
these societal norms. This creates the impression that these acts listed above
are not only acceptable but also necessary to become a man. Looking back, it’s
hard for me to blame Johnny for anything, since all he knew were these beliefs.
If we were all taught to ignore these emotions and use toughness as a form of
emotional control, then wouldn’t it be natural for us to use toughness to gain
a (somewhat abusive) friendship with Lee too? Now of course everyone has a
choice to whether or not they should obey these standards, that’s what
free-agency is for, however typically whenever one falls away from these
unspoken standards, it’s easy to just call them a mama’s boy, or a baby, or
simply weak. The idea of being seen as weak or as a baby starts from the very
beginning of boyhood and follows us for the rest of our lives.
Hyper-masculinity isn’t just in the
workplace or on campus but can also manifest in the family setting and media,
and affect their views on everyone around them. According to UNI, “boys learn
in their families, and later, from their peers, to suppress emotions they
actually feel by acting out anger whether they feel it or not.” The idea of
masculinity, though usually never explicitly defined in the household, follows
boys throughout their lives, starting at home then to their peers, denying boys
the opportunity to truly express how they feel. When I asked my parents about
this topic, often they don’t realize what they are doing. They were merely
telling me this to get me to stop crying, or make me be quiet. However, I don’t
think parents know the implications these words may have on children if they
are not also taught with love or support. Without this, “men are often distant
and aloof to avoid effective communication.” From these experiences, it can
affect boys in their relationships and dating because it gives boys the
rationale that being distant and okay because it helps avoid effective
communication. Now I’m sure there’s a lot of people who are willing to testify
that boys can be jerks (or other maybe more profane words), however it’s good
to note that maybe it’s just because they weren’t taught any other way. This
bizarre situation only sets them up for failure. By being cold and aloof they
succeed in fulfilling societal standards, yet they fail in creating lasting
friendships. Or they do create lasting friendships but have self-inflicting
thoughts because they might see themselves as being weak or “girly” for talking
about something real.
Hyper-masculinity also appears in
technology and media. Over time, the Internet, and video games specifically,
have been portraying men as these violent aloof characters. Take Master Chief
from the Halo Franchise. Throughout the series of the game, he kills a few
million aliens, forms very few friendships (his closest one being with his own
A.I.), and almost never talks about how he feels. If these are the type of role
models kids have growing up, then it can easily affect boys to see violence and
lack of emotions as a norm. Going further, in some cases, it may even
desensitize boys to violence and lead them to perform such acts to prove
themselves a man. Though it is clear that hyper-masculinity can negatively
affect boys, some critics disagree.
Some people believe that masculinity and
hyper-masculinity are necessary to create strong leaders so that boys are
capable of, “getting back up from anything,” (Cypher) and so they
can be viewed as strong. However, though critics may have good intentions, it
is flawed in that they are working under the assumption that being seen as
strong and performing acts of hyper-masculinity is what boys want from an early
age. Often people teach kids only one way of masculinity which can lead to
these negative impacts, and therefore are ignorant of any other way of learning
masculinity. Sometimes people teach these things to kids with the intention of
making them stronger but their beliefs supersedes what the child actually wants
for himself, and thus they forget to include the child in the discussion. They
could be right, however by forcing them to follow and blindly obey without the
child’s insight or consent, he is unable to truly be himself but rather just a
product of his parents and what society wants from him. Also it gives the child
an additional pressure to behave the way he is expected, and when he can’t
fulfill these roles, he is left feeling ashamed, inflicting himself with
harmful thoughts that cause lower self-esteem. If taught or forced to abide by
hyper-masculine views, a child may have difficulty accepting others and himself
throughout his life.
Hyper-masculinity can cause
desensitization to sexual aggression, violence, and reckless disregard for
themselves and the people around them primarily through the exposure to porn. Though
not as explicit in BYU, one topic hyper-masculinity may affect is men’s
reaction towards the objectification of women, porn and rape. First off, let’s
talk about porn. I don’t want to grasp that because of solely hyper-masculinity,
Utah is the #1 porn subscriber and viewer of the nation, because obviously
there’s more than one reason to why that is. But for right now, let’s focus on
one specifically. The talk. The birds and the bees. The awkward question of
where do babies come from. In the state of Utah, sexual education is strictly
abstinence based. There are even districts who are unwilling to talk about
homosexuality, extra/premarital sex, contraceptives or anything relating to how
one actually makes a baby. Of course there might be pros to this situation,
however because kids aren’t taught those things, and since most parents are
very awkward or unwilling to have this discussion, kids refer to the Internet
for advice. Spoiler alert, this is where porn comes in. Through hyper-masculinity,
it leads boys to feel unsafe or uncomfortable when talking to their peers,
because they don’t want to be told to shut up. So instead of confronting their
problems, in this case of sexual curiosity, they look to the Internet. And
because of the lack of sexual education, unfortunately pornography becomes their sexual education… And what
lies there, is far from what they are looking for. What they find isn’t at all
related to love or sex, but rather a demonic form of domination, submission,
and normalized sexual brutality over the partner. And since most likely he has
no sexual experiences prior to that, it creates the assumption that this is
what is right to do and that this is what women want in a man, which is crazy. Comparing
themselves to porn is not only wrong, but also will also set them up for
failure due to unrealistic expectations since porn is not real life, causing
lower self-esteem in young men. Nationally, 93% of young boys (before 18 yrs.
old) are exposed to Internet porn, 68% of them watch porn weekly, and 21% watch
porn daily (UNH). Through this excessive viewing of hazardous entertainment,
boys are desensitized and may be left embracing this as a norm. From the lack
of a role model it causes boys to rely on the Internet for guidance, and
instead of having a true father figure they are instead left developing a
relationship with a computer in isolation. Ok, let’s be realistic here. Having
a good father figure doesn’t necessarily stop one from falling into that temptation.
Most people on campus are probably raised with a good father figure or role
model, however even then it is still an awkward topic that most parents are
unable to fully teach. Take the law of chastity for example, every young
teacher knows that this is probably one of the most awkward or hardest lessons
in the year to teach and it’s not their fault. It’s because of this strange
taboo around sex and our unwillingness to have a mature conversation about it,
and until we are able to confront and talk about this as adults, we are unable
to overcome this problem of hyper-masculinity and its relations to porn. Unfortunately,
porn isn’t where this conversation stops.
Hyper-masculinity also affects men’s view
on women and the objectification of women. In media and in our culture, it’s
like every advertisement is for the exploitation of women and it not only
changes young boy’s perspective on women, but it also causes women to feel
insecure about themselves. When talking to some of my friends in other universities,
they talk about women as objects created for them, and I don’t think they truly
understand the full implications of that. Whenever someone says, “I’d like to
NCMO that,” or “I’d like to slap that,” not only are men referring women to
objects but they’re merely seeing them as an object for their own personal
pleasure. These thoughts only breed sexism, and it’s almost as if we are
teaching them to not see the humanity in women. Every person has a
multi-faceted identity, whether man or woman, are created for more things than
just a NCMO, nevertheless for one’s personal pleasure. I believe everyone
deserves a certain level of respect and dignity, and unfortunately in the way
some boys are taught, it prevents them from seeing that. Due to this spreading
belief of objectification through hyper-masculinity, in some cases, it creates
far worse consequences.
Through the hyper-masculine norm of
callous actions towards women and sex, hyper-masculinity, in some cases, can
lead to sexual aggression and rape. According to a psychological report in
2003, hyper-masculinity can create emphatic responses towards violent
pornography (sagepub). Consider this, if a boy is taught to use violence as a
form of self-control, then watches violent porn for 30 minutes almost every
day, then plays violent video games for about an hour; if he is invited to go
to a party where every other guy is taught the same way, someone is probably
going to die or get raped. I know this sounds strong, but this is a discussion
about hyper-masculinity’s affect on rape, and that should never be taken
lightly. Of course I don’t want to make this generalization. There are probably
some very high-functioning people who do this on a regular basis and succeed in
their life ambitions (who also needs to talk to the honor code office).
Nevertheless, this potential for sexual aggression and violence is very real
and does exist. To bring gravity to the situation, in US college campuses, 1 of
every 5 women are sexually assaulted or raped, 90% of which will go unreported,
and 8 out of 10 times will be from someone they know (nsvrc). In the past few
months, I keep hearing the words, “the rape culture in America is spreading.”
However this doesn’t mean that there are monsters crawling out of the sewers,
it’s worse, we are raising rapists. I don’t mean this as an insult or as a
false claim towards you, the audience, however it doesn’t make that phrase any
less true. Recently, we have seen Brock Turner released from prison, for raping
a woman just several months prior. In a sad twist, in some parts of our
country, being caught with a blunt is a far more serious offense than being a repeated
sexual offender. And boys take advantage of this. Compared to girls, boys are
more likely to commit these crimes and when taking a step back, it’s not
necessarily their fault. If society teaches them that this is correct, and
there is no one else there to lead them to the right path, then wouldn’t it be
natural or relatively easy to fall for those sins? It’s easy to point the blame
and imprison young naïve boys, and though it fulfills our desire of
accountability, it does not solve the underlying problem. There is a way to
stop this by teaching kids early on about this question of hyper-masculinity.
There are probably several solutions to
hyper-masculinity, however its applications have always been under the most
criticism. The easiest and probably best way to prevent hyper-masculinity is to
teach young men early on about the problem and by showing them affection. Some
claim that it is reckless or harmful to teach kids sexual education because
they’re too young for that. However at the age of 13, if they don’t know or
have a basic knowledge of what sexual education is, in middle school and
depending on your area it is very easy to find other profane or unreliable
sources (to put it nicely). Secondly, by neglecting to share this knowledge to
children, it forces kids into ignorance of what is going on around them. Others
claim that it is probably one of the most awkward talks, however it doesn’t
have to be. If we keep living in fear of telling the truth, then we are
essentially accepting the lie that hyper-masculinity is okay. Now I don’t want
to discredit the difficulty of telling these things because it really is hard.
And most things worth telling are. It is a difficult conversation, but is
necessary, because the consequence of not telling them far outweighs the fear
or recovery necessary to get back to who you were and want to become. A few key
things I believe are necessary to teach kids are the eternal value of women and
other people, the ineffective use of violence or bullying as a form of
self-control, and the true joy of simply talking about how one feels. In addition to teaching kids
early on it is important to raise kids with love and support rather than sheer
discipline and punishment. Now that doesn’t mean, as parents one should obey
the child’s every wish, nor that the child is always right, nor that we
superimpose what we believe is right onto them without their acknowledgment or
input. This can be done through compromise of each other’s goals or at least
acknowledging the child’s views before saying no. Not by telling them to shut
up or telling them suck it up and be a man because that will only bring them
down and limit their ability to express themselves. Others claim that they
wouldn’t because it would make their child seem weak or out of the herd. But
doing this only increases the power of hyper-masculinity in our culture and if
no one acts now, then it is no wonder why nothing seems to change. On this
section specifically I’ve had many criticisms, specifically from parents and
adults. “You’re just a freshman, what do you know?” “You’ve never been a
husband or a father, who are you to tell me what to do?” “You can’t tell me how
to raise my kids, they’re mine.” And these are fair criticisms. Most likely
there are some in the audience who fervently disagrees with my views and that’s
okay. That’s the power of true freedom and agency: having the ability to
distinguish and choose what has meaning in your life regardless of faith or
evidence. Nevertheless, if swallowing one’s pride has the possibility to change
a child’s life for the better, then in my opinion it is well worth the risk. By
teaching kids early on and raising them in love and support, they are better
equipped to becoming successful young men.
The view of being seen as a man or
as a gentleman has changed a lot over time. However, if we’re not careful about
what to teach our own kids, we can inadvertently lead them in a path of
pornography, sexual aggression, and violence, that not only affects them but
everyone around them. In fourth grade, I met a boy and he was my best friend.
His name was Johnny. He bullied me and I thought it was okay because we were
led to believe that this was a sign of strength. We couldn’t talk about being
afraid. We couldn’t talk about feeling hurt. We couldn’t talk about feeling
sad. Only things that brought out what we perceived were our strengths: anger,
violence, and confidence. It wasn’t until years later did we reconcile become
real friends and it could’ve been sooner with the right guidance. But for
everyone else, it doesn’t have to be that way. If we act, it can be done. It
can be reversed. If we let them grow in love and support, then anything is
possible.
·
Sources:
I apologize for this extremely long rant. However I believe that this is a significant topic that most people forget about or need to acknowledge
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