Maturity.

How does one become an adult? Is it when you learn how to do laundry? Is it when you learn how to drive? or a go on a first real date? I'm not really sure.

Some people say it's a thing that happens over time. Some people say it's when you turn 18. Some people say it's when you go on a mission. And some say you just fake it and hope for the best. personally I believe in the latter of the list. I don't think maturity is necessarily a stage that all people just goes through, but rather it's just a way that our minds develop or at least try to imitate to fit in.

I'm 18. I probably overthink most things. I'm fairly quirky and full of energy but if you really get to know me, I love playing somber music, drinking coffee or hot cocoa, and arguing to myself about fairly complicated or strange topics. I don't see myself as being mature, probably because I'm scared. I don't want to grow up. And I know it sounds naive for me to say that but I take things slow because I don't want to miss this part of my life simply because the world told me to, "grow up." As a primary teacher, whenever I looked at my kids there's a certain glitter in their eyes that I can never take back. It's curiosity and innocence and beauty and hope and so many other things that we eventually put aside for the sake of growing up. Often we forget those things either because we don't use it, or it wasn't a big part of our lives to begin with, or we simply didn't care. But seeing it in their eyes gives me joy. Running around with six year olds and trying to make them sit in silence can be one of the most daunting experiences but when I see their eyes, I know it'll be alright because it's good. Some of their parents probably don't even acknowledge it or forgets it because of their sheer energy. But when you slow it down and see, it truly is good. I hope their parents see that. Honestly both of my parents can be immature at times, but as long as they're there for you when you really needed them, It's all you'll ever need.

Like a river to a raindrop, I lost a friend. I forgot to slow it down. I'm immature. And whether or not it's because I want to be or it's my personality or some other excuse, I can't hide from that. I am. And every time a friendship or a relationship ends, it happens the same way. You're immature.

At least I acknowledge that fact, even if it stings. Stop it! Get yourself together.

I really pray that maturity comes in due time. But looking back, I don't think it's necessary. If your personality doesn't abide by what we culturally define as, "mature," then why should one change themselves to fit this standard. We tell ourselves to value individuality and our own identities, yet we strive to grasp a definition of maturity and for what? To be accepted? To be loved? We hypocritically value two opposing ideas. By valuing individuality then limiting it to what society deems as acceptable, wouldn't the end product be not of your own self, but rather a culmination of what everyone else wants you to be? If they truly loved you, then being yourself should be enough. It is enough.

I thought to myself maybe I can be more mature by going on a mission. In my college, there is an intense pressure to go on a mission but honestly I'm not even sure if I want to. My friends tell me that they'd rather date RM's (returned missionaries) because they are more mature but I disagree. I don't think that leaving your home for two years will suddenly make you the perfect man. Maybe more spiritual but I don't think it will make you more mature than you already are. Now I'm not trying to bash on RM's, that's not my intention. But associating maturity with whether or not they served a mission are two independent variables that does not correlate. In the past three weeks I've met a lot of people in my life, some good and some bad, and missionaries are not exempted from that fact. For example, yesterday I met an RM that not only tried to NCMO with my friend a few times but also mentioned 11 racial comments/slurs and 17 sexist or sexual comments in 2 hours. If anything there might be a correlation with RM's and holding in their innuendos and then defining their infatuation as love. Of course that's not all of them, there are very mature and kind RM's in the world and generalizing them as something bad is wrong. But generalizing them as these "saints" and having an unrealistic expectation of how good they are is also wrong, because they are still human. And like all humans, should be held accountable of their actions regardless of what they have done in the past. I swore for the first time in college. I called out this RM and what he was doing, and I told him to, "please kindly, f*** yourself, and get out."

I really hope I don't get honor coded for that. Or my rainbow flag. But that's for a different story.