The Longer Ones

Monday, February 26, 2018

Ch 15 what’s stopping you?

-I don't know. Stopping me from what?
-From writing?
-Oh... I don't know.

I thought about this for a while. Like why would someone stop writing? Maybe life catches up on them. They get busy, find a girl (or guy), school hits hard, has their laptop stolen, whatever. Things happen. Even though I feel joy in writing, it takes a lot of effort. It's much easier to run with a dog or play video games and unless that internal intrinsic desire to write comes along, it's kind of hard to start. I mean it's not that I don't think about it because I promise you, I do. I think about writing a lot. And it inspires me to do more important things. Like recently I did my best to help my friend write again, because I genuinely believe that if the world writes more, life would be infinitely better.

I'm still not too sure why I really stopped. A few months ago I got into a conversation with an old friend. She's really sweet and asked me what was wrong.

"Why aren't you writing anymore?"

And as an excuse I said that I was afraid. I was afraid of what people might think, or maybe it's because I feel vulnerable. I mean I'm always open to being vulnerable, but I guess for a while there are a few things I was afraid to talk about. Life now. Walmart. Being with friends. I can't explain it too well... but after a while seeing everyone else progress with their lives, I guess in a weird way of comparison I feel like I purposely put my life on pause.
I hate this. The pause. Comparing myself. I hate it all. I mean I don't know... I guess a part of me hoped that I'd be somewhere else, or with someone else, or doing something different. But I've accepted I'm here now. I'm in a pause. It's an okay pause. There's a cool dog here, and she seems sweet too.

Honestly though, I don't know. Maybe for analytical purposes we can summarize it to fear of the past, laziness, and lack of time. But I don't think that tells the whole story. A lot of days I think, I just wasn't feeling it. As incredible as writing is, at times I just felt indifferent. I'm still human. I don't know everything, that's why I have faith. I'm not perfect, that's why I love grace. And though I can't do everything, that's why I'm glad my friends are here to help me try it all out.

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